Hey Maggie! I don’t think I’ve ever introduced myself properly but I am Charles, the mouse who lives behind your oven, you know the one you affectionately call Fucking Gross! It’s been quite some time since you’ve reacted to my presence and frankly, I think your depression is really affecting everyone around you, especially me.
I miss the old Maggie! The one who would scream and run away when she saw me. It was so cute to know you were excited to see me! At your happiest, you were full of energy and love and you were so fucking messy. You’d leave popcorn, cooked pasta, and crumbs all over the floor. Some nights you would come home drunk with hot wings and blue cheese. On special occasions, you’d get chicken and rice, drunkenly drop the container on the floor, shoving savory pieces of rice under your carpet, and vowing to clean it later. I knew then that I had finally found the perfect apartment in Brooklyn and could start to build my family there.
But then you started to become distant. At first, I thought, “she’s going through a breakup, she’ll be fine in a few weeks” but you went from stress eating to not eating at all. I’m not trying to downplay your breakup, but I do want you to know that you could do better! Who wants a man who sets mice traps throughout the apartment? Even worse, why would you want to be with a man who takes you away from the kitchen so he can take you out to eat? At least find someone who will cook you dinner in our home!
Still, I wanted to give you time to grieve but when you decided to intermittently fast to feel better about yourself, I was floored. How could you be so selfish when all I did was offer you my company and clean up after you? I’d wait anxiously for food those nights but you went from fasting 12 hours to eating maybe one meal a day.
I was so excited, nay hopeful, when you lost your job. I thought, “finally, she’ll be home and hungry!” I was so wrong. It was heartbreaking to see you cry and sleep through the day because I knew I wouldn’t be eating those days. When you did go into the kitchen it was to eat a chip or leave a box of uncooked pasta on the table. I learned to not get excited about the pasta box or sauce on the counter because a few hours later you would just put it all away.
Now all you do is sleep. Sometimes, after your 12 hour “naps” you smoke a cigarette and drink a beer or two. It’s so concerning that the bulk of your meals are beer and whiskey. Don’t you know how bad that is for my well being?
I wish you could see the bigger picture and realize that your depression is causing so many problems. I know I haven’t eaten properly in days, I am losing weight so quickly, and worst of all, I don’t know if it’s possible to start a family here. I don’t want to leave you like your job and boyfriend did so please come to the kitchen and make a meal. If you don’t want to do it for you, do it for me.
Charles A.K.A. Fucking Gross