Other Asymptomatic Conditions I’ve Observed

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One terrifying thing about COVID-19 is that it’s often asymptomatic – you can have it without even knowing it, which means you might be passing it onto people unintentionally (better than passing it along intentionally but still quite bad). Fortunately, I’m more than mentally prepared to handle this possibility, since I have, in my day, observed a number of other asymptomatic conditions – ones that are actually really common, but no one ever knows.

  • Having a crush on me: Up to 99% of the people who’ve ever had a crush on me didn’t know. Science is wild.
  • Wanting to sleep with me: Another surprise for most.
  • Already sleeping with me but wanting to continue in a way that you don’t explicitly remind me is “casual” all the time: So many times, guys say they want to “keep it casual “- it’s terrifying that they don’t even realize the extent to which that is untrue. They want things to get really serious, really fast, and their bodies just aren’t doing a good enough job to alert them to this. Fortunately, I’m here to take on that duty.
  • Wanting to be my boyfriend: Take my temperature before leaving my apartment. I may be way hotter than you thought. 
  • Wanting to be my boyfriend and admit to it: Take my temperature again.
  • Wanting to be my boyfriend so much so that you bring it up willingly to our mutual friends, without me having to pry it out of you: Actually, there’s never been a known case of someone exhibiting symptoms for this condition. Weird.
  • Wanting to live with me: Note that this doesn’t count if we’re in quarantine and my house was the only option because you forgot to stock up on beans. Otherwise, though, you may think you don’t want to move in, but you’ll get hives soon, I promise.
  • Being completely and wholly obsessed with me to the point where you can’t concentrate on anything else: It’s crazy that this would be asymptomatic, but what can I say – we live in terrifying times.
  • Intending to propose: It’s just sad to think of all the guys who had this but didn’t know it. And then they were spreading it around. Yikes. Now there are literally thousands of guys who want to propose but don’t realize it. So sad.
  • HPV, for men: This is truly just so deeply unfair.

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