Don’t waste your quarantine days trying to “get things done” with “quiet time resting.” Doctors have proven outlook counts when it comes to conquering illness. These viruses are out to KILL US. If you let them, they will serpentine their way into your guts, baby. You’ve got to fight Covid-19 on its own terms: like a sick rock n’ roll motherfucker, circa 1987.
This is how: Lock your doors, don’t do any laundry, and stay up all night listening to songs about hell. Your motto is: crash and burn. Mute your phone and DON’T call your boss or your GP. You’re just a number to those jerks. And, Jesus Christ, put that thermometer away! You know where they used to stick those things?! How do you think Axl Rose got PTSD, or whatever it is he has? Sure, Keith Richards and Steve Tyler and Axl Rose got arrested and went to rehab, but they NEVER got colds.
Quit googling “bronchitis vs. coronavirus” and trying to discern the strange noises coming from your lungs. You probably have an infection, but testing is limited to movie stars and government officials. As an eighties rocker, you recognize with literally gut-churning certainty that our health care system is a dystopian nightmare. Quit medscape.com and the Harvard Health newsletter cold turkey. Use the internet for what it was made: shopping for rocker jewelry from your sweaty sickbed. Order a big-ass metal cross on a chain. A mass of bangles is nice, too. They jingle when you cough.
Trash your accommodations: home, dormitory, Vegas hotel, whatever. A rocker knows that all abodes on this dark, doomed planet are temporary and our souls are screaming for relief. Debauchery and breaking things get the blood-flow going, unpublished studies show. Bashing in the TV with a baseball bat will jump-start your immune system; just make sure you have a working screen somewhere. That way, you can play videos showing flames and random scenes of riot police which, watched over and over again, and with the right beverages lined up, will clear your head.
Discerning ear, nose, and throat specialists know that the circulating particulate of Maroon 5, Katy Perry, and Justin Bieber are contributing to immune weakness. That stuff off-gasses like crazy and festers in the inner ear.
Here’s the only recipe you need:
Eighties Rock Elixir: 1 part Jack Daniels; some beer; 1 T of gasoline; 2 parts Try-Me Tiger hot sauce; 3 parts Quadruple-sec; some horseradish; 1 t of your own sweat; a dash of testosterone. Place in a bottle inside a paper bag, and take as needed. Vomiting is beneficial: envision you’re on a stage and aim for the audience.
Since congestion is already making you partially deaf, you can really jack up the volume and crank the bass while you imbibe. Vibrations from shredding electric guitars maim and then kill viruses. Throat irritation and delirium give you the jagged vocals and phrasing you need for singing along to “Metal Health (Bang Your Head),” (Quiet Riot) “To Live Is to Die” (Metallica) and “Coma” (Guns n’ Roses, soothes fevers.)
You’ve probably lost some weight. Perfect! Your next step is putting on the pleather jeans you haven’t worn since the White Stripes dropped White Blood Cell. The adage goes: Pleather sweats out a fever; black nail polish dooms a cold. Now — slowly, because inner-ear fluid buildup might make you dizzy — get down on the floor, and simulate sex with anything you threw there earlier: socks or an ACE bandage from 1983. Endorphins, baby! Moan, writhe, and give the Kleenex box the finger the next time it looks at you that way.
Remember: a rock star from the 80s doesn’t listen to any authorities or take any (legal) medications. For difficult cases, place some Eighties Rock Elixir in a cracked shot glass, light it on fire, and drink. The CDC won’t tell you this, but flames and smoke often work to stimulate white blood cells where other approaches fail. The only reason to consider leaving your world of alienation is if a family member or neighbor, bothered by the code violations, rats you out. In the unlikely event this happens, give them the finger, cough on them and shout obscenities as they put the electrodes around your brain and cart you away.