“Legends Of The Hidden Temple”: The Golden Turd Blossom Of George W. Bush
Legends of the Hidden Temple, indisputably the coolest of the mid-90’s Nickelodeon game shows, is coming back. In the spirit of the original, we have undertaken our own adventure into the jungle, and narrowly escaped with a preview of the first new episode. We can report that teams will be hunting one of the most important artifacts from recent American history: The Golden Turd Blossom of George W. Bush. Here, we present Olmec’s instructions for the Temple Run:
“Start in the Loser’s Ledges. Even though you receive a minority of the votes, you’ll still be allowed to progress into the Pit of the Swinging Tariffs. Knock over those foreign steel manufacturers with a 30% tariff, and then knock yourself over with retaliation and job losses and climb into the In the Room of the Partisan Warriors. Align yourself with your loyal base, but beware! One of them might have been infiltrated by a temple RINO. If they grab you, you’ll have to give up a Pendant of Life.
But if you find the right one you might open the King’s Storm Room. Fly over the room in an airplane attempting to look sad as a hurricane smashes clay pots, and you may find yourself in the treacherous Hornet’s Nest. Assemble the statue of the Middle East—it will hardly take any time at all—to open the Shrine of the Silver Bullet. Shoot a man in the face and nothing will happen, so climb the ladder into Putin’s Cove. Look the man in the eye and get a sense of his soul, or find the Secret Passage to circumvent the border fence, and you might find yourself in the Mountaintop Mine. Remove the top of the mountain to open a slide into the Dungeon.
Torture the prisoner until he confesses to a crime he didn’t commit, and he may help you find the Room of Truthiness. There, you’ll form an empire that creates its own reality to open the door to the Stenographer’s Court. Place yourself against the press corps member asking pre-planted questions and you might have the chance to enter the Libby Room. Connect the threads of influence to commute Scooter Libby’s sentence, which will lead you into the Barracks of the Pretender. Put on a bedazzled jumpsuit and find the tablet that says “Mission Accomplished,” and shout it out to open the Cage of Sighs. Selectively purge nonwhite voters when they don’t respond to a letter you’ve sent to them at an address where they don’t live, and escape through the Temple Gate.
The choices are yours, but the precedents they set will fuck up society for decades to come. Good luck!”