“Legends Of The Hidden Temple”: The Golden Turd Blossom Of George W. Bush

Legends of the Hidden Temple, indisputably the coolest of the mid-90’s Nickelodeon game shows, is coming back. In the spirit of the original, we have undertaken our own adventure into the jungle, and narrowly escaped with a preview of the first new episode. We can report that teams will be hunting one of the most important artifacts from recent American history: The Golden Turd Blossom of George W. Bush. Here, we present Olmec’s instructions for the Temple Run:

“Start in the Loser’s Ledges. Even though you receive a minority of the votes, you’ll still be allowed to progress into the Pit of the Swinging Tariffs[1]. Knock over those foreign steel manufacturers with a 30% tariff, and then knock yourself over with retaliation and job losses[2] and climb into the In the Room of the Partisan Warriors. Align yourself with your loyal base, but beware! One of them might have been infiltrated by a temple RINO[3]. If they grab you, you’ll have to give up a Pendant of Life.

But if you find the right one you might open the King’s Storm Room. Fly over the room in an airplane attempting to look sad as a hurricane smashes clay pots[4], and you may find yourself in the treacherous Hornet’s Nest. Assemble the statue of the Middle East—it will hardly take any time at all[5]—to open the Shrine of the Silver Bullet. Shoot a man in the face and nothing will happen[6], so climb the ladder into Putin’s Cove. Look the man in the eye and get a sense of his soul[7], or find the Secret Passage to circumvent the border fence[8], and you might find yourself in the Mountaintop Mine. Remove the top of the mountain[9] to open a slide into the Dungeon.

Torture the prisoner until he confesses to a crime he didn’t commit[10], and he may help you find the Room of Truthiness. There, you’ll form an empire that creates its own reality[11] to open the door to the Stenographer’s Court. Place yourself against the press corps member asking pre-planted questions[12] and you might have the chance to enter the Libby Room. Connect the threads of influence to commute Scooter Libby’s sentence[13], which will lead you into the Barracks of the Pretender. Put on a bedazzled jumpsuit and find the tablet that says “Mission Accomplished,” and shout it out[14] to open the Cage of Sighs. Selectively purge nonwhite voters when they don’t respond to a letter you’ve sent to them at an address where they don’t live[15], and escape through the Temple Gate.

The choices are yours, but the precedents they set will fuck up society for decades to come. Good luck!”

[1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2016_United_States_presidential_election

[2] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Trump_tariffs

[3] https://www.latimes.com/politics/story/2019-10-11/partisan-politics-america-divided-trump-impeachment

[4] https://www.npr.org/2018/09/12/646997771/fact-check-puerto-rico-was-an-incredible-unsung-success

[5] https://www.cnn.com/2020/01/04/politics/trump-warning-iran-52-assets/index.html

[6]https://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2016/01/23/trump_i_could_stand_in_the_middle_of_fifth_avenue_and_shoot_somebody_and_i_wouldnt_lose_any_voters.html

[7] https://foreignpolicy.com/2018/07/17/trumps-treason-by-father-complex/

[8] https://www.cato.org/publications/commentary/why-wall-wont-work

[9] https://blogs.scientificamerican.com/observations/trumps-breathtaking-hypocrisy-on-coal-mining/

[10] https://www.factcheck.org/2017/01/trump-on-torture-again/

[11] https://www.washingtonpost.com/politics/2019/12/16/president-trump-has-made-false-or-misleading-claims-over-days/