What To Do With All Those Boxes of Pasta You Still Won’t Have Eaten Five Years From Now

So, you panic-purchased 50 boxes of pasta, then ordered 100 more via fresh direct just to be safe. Now, you’ve got to get rid of the 148 boxes you didn’t consume during quarantine. You could donate them, but then you’d be helping people. Here are some other options:

Attend more potlucks. If no one you know throws potlucks, offer to bring food to any party. If the host says they need dessert, tell them you’ll bring pasta salad. If they say they already have pasta salad, ask them if it’s hot or cold. Then, bring a pasta salad in whatever temperature they don’t already have a pasta salad for.

Make pasta your go-to gift. Birthday party? Wrap a giant box and fill it with smaller boxes of pasta.  Wedding? Get crafty and give the bride some custom farfalle earrings with a statement manicotti shell necklace. Confirmation? Uncooked lasagna noodles should do the trick.

Host a soft-open for a high-concept pasta restaurant with an unnamed celebrity investor. Serve the pasta, and remember to cook each dish with the secret ingredient: love. (And salt. Please salt the water.)

Go to the movies with cooked pasta in Tupperware. At the concession stand, ask them to butter your noodles. The cashier may mistake this for sexual innuendo. If you’re both into it, feel free to sleep together. Otherwise, eat the buttered noodles like popcorn.

Plant dry pasta shells in your garden just to see what happens. If nothing grows, try this again with cooked pasta shells. If nothing grows, try this one more time with dry pasta shells just to be sure. Because if this worked that would be really cool.

Attempt to use pasta as currency with conversion based on thickness. Spaghetti is $1. Fettuccine is $5. Pappardelle is $10. Angel hair is worthless and always has been.

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