Flirty Ways I’ve Responded to Texts Received During the Coronavirus Quarantine

By Julia Edelman and Ginny Hogan

Illustrated by Katy Fishell

Great getting drinks last week! Would love to see you again once the world isn’t ending.

Damn, that’s a really stocked pantry 😉

The only thing emptier than those Trader Joe’s shelves is my bed without you. (To be clear, this isn’t an invitation to come over, just trying to keep things light!)

Your dog is truly adorable, but don’t you think maybe medical professionals need that mask more?

We can only hold hands if you wear gloves. I don’t care if it’s like showering with a raincoat on – you have to. 

Thank you so much for offering a can of tomato sauce and exactly 1 ply of toilet paper, but I don’t know if I’m ready to get that serious! Which I already mentioned, to be honest.

Ok, while I’m glad you’re wearing a face mask, I also know you’re using it as an excuse not to shave, and that’s frustrating. You know I don’t like stubble, whether or not I can see it. I don’t know – I wanted this to work, but the mask proves you’re not listening to me.

Oh, I’m so hot right now…but this could be something else, right? Maybe I just left my space heater on too long? Either that, or the virus has taken me – no, I don’t think it was caused by your sext, I’m sorry to say. The wording took me out of it – you misspelled “horizontal” (“horizontle”).

Usually, I have a hard time getting guys to stick around after a one-night stand, but somehow, the suggestion that you stay with me for two weeks is worse. I don’t care that your roommate’s been sneezing, I didn’t really invite you. And – ew – why would I want his sneezes here?

I feel like you’re pressuring me to make this move faster. I’m sorry, I can’t turn a dry-cough into fever any faster than anyone else, and I can’t make the 72 hours after my symptoms subside shorter. I think maybe we’re just looking for different things.

Haven’t heard from you in a while….U alive?

Ok, I know you’re mad I didn’t want to define our relationship, but check out this stew recipe I just found! It takes six hours to make, so that should distract you for a while.

It’s nice to hear from you again! But I’m sorry to say that a global pandemic has not increased my appetite for dick pics – still, I appreciate the effort.

No, I’m not going to tell you what other boys I’m FaceTiming with, that’s really none of your business. Maybe re-starting this text thread was a bad idea – what if it’s just our pandemic brains talking?

These texts are actually distracting me from my very busy life of staying inside and panicking.

I’m sorry I’m just not sure you’re really my “end-of-the-world” dick.

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