Alternative Democratic Candidates Now That Bernie Is Out

By Claudia Hogan and Ginny Hogan

Bernie Sanders’ campaign has come to a close, which leaves us wondering – is anyone else still running? If you’re unsatisfied with the remaining Democratic candidates, we offer up some suggestions here.

  • A recording of an FDR Fireside Chat.
  • A poster in the Oval Office of a cat dangling from a tree saying, “Hang in there, baby.”
  • The entire cast of The West Wing
  • Dr. Fauci.
  • Jimmy Carter – don’t forget he only served one term and is definitely young enough to be president (95). Plus, peanuts!
  • Write-in Bill Murray.
  • A blow-up doll of Barack Obama.
  • Who is the Green Party candidate?
  • Andrew Cuomo, if you haven’t looked too far into it.
  • Mitt Romney’s champion dressage horse, Rafalka.
  • The ghost of Abraham Lincoln. Or, for that matter, most ghosts. I think life after death imparts a lot of wisdom.
  • Did we write Marianne Williamson off too early?
  • All the nurses.
  • Elizabeth Warren’s dog.
  • A rabbit vibrator (which can be both POTUS and VP because of its dual functionality).
  • A pint of Halo Top ice cream.
  • Angela Merkel – is that allowed?
  • AOC dressed in a Bernie costume.
  • Larry David dressed in a Bernie costume.
  • AOC dressed in anything.
  • Larry David dressed in anything.
  • Dumbledore’s portrait in the Headmaster’s Office.
  • An old, gnarled tree.
  • An astrology calendar.
  • A soothing yoga video.
  • The Energy of the Universe.
  • Dax Shepard – he honestly could do it. He’s so empathetic, especially for a man.
  • I think Nate Archibald got into politics in the last season of Gossip Girl.
  • That guy at the gas station who warns people not to go into haunted forests.
  • Politicians with no credible rape allegations against them.
  • Someone, please.
  • Anyone?
  • Honestly, I’ll do it. I’ve never done cocaine and got a 5 in AP US Government.

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