Joe Biden Announces His 2020 Running Mate, An Organ Grinder Monkey

Folks, I know there’s only four of you in the crowd because of quarantines and whatnot, but I’m so happy you’re here for me introduce my pick for Vice President. 

When making this choice I thought back to my childhood in the desperate coal slum of Scranton, Pennsylvania. Our one source of entertainment was the Organ Grinder Man. He’d set up his crank organ in the town square and play Pop Goes The Weasel while his monkey danced and we threw pennies in his tin cup. Remembering that monkey’s energy, charisma, and fundraising ability, I knew who I needed on my ticket.  

I’d like to introduce the next Vice President of the United States, Organ Grinder Monkey. 

An intern leads Monkey on to the stage as Beastie Boys’ “Brass Monkey” plays. Monkey wears a little suit and top hat. He dances on his hind legs toward Biden, then climbs up, and sits on his shoulder.

I’m serious folks, Vice President Monkey. I asked my staff to get that original monkey, but he died 60 years ago. This is his great-grandson. He’s a Panamanian White-Faced Capuchin. His great grandparents were brought to America against their will, not unlike black… 

The intern desperately bangs on the wall to stop Biden.  

Ha, Derek here keeps me on track.  Anyway, whoever’s gonna beat Donald Trump has to speak to the working class. VP Monkey can’t talk with words, but I dare anyone to look into his eyes and tell me this primate doesn’t have a sincere desire to improve the lives of everyday working Americans. 

He also shares my commitment to make deals across the aisle. Hell, he’ll work with anyone with an open heart and a handful of Dika nuts. 

Can you picture the Vice Presidential debate we’ll see? Mike Pence, a man who doesn’t believe in evolution vs. a literal monkey.  I’d pay $75 Pay-Per-View to watch this lil’ fucker latch onto Pence’s block of cheese head and start shredding… 

The intern bangs metal trashcan lids together, startling Monkey, a dribble of feces dripping down Biden’s shoulder. 

A lot has been said about the need for a strong VP who would be ready to assume the duties of the Presidency. And I say President Monkey can’t be worse than the ape we already have in the White House.

Silence.

Why didn’t the monkey vote? His district was gerry-banandered! 

The intern holds up a sign that says, “He needs this.” The audience chuckles. 

Now, I made a pledge to choose a female candidate for VP to bring diversity to the ticket. But I say, what’s more diverse than a monkey! My advisors made me promise not to bring up race…

The intern blasts a novelty air horn. 

Okay, but I did see Monkey hump a man’s leg so he’s at least a Gay. 

Folks, I already took him for a ride on the Amtrak. He hated it. Nearly clawed my face off. 

Monkey screams, rips off his little top hat, and begins to eat it. 

Here’s the deal. It’s 2020. I can’t go around giving women friendly back rubs or hair sniffs, but no one gives a hoot when a monkey grabs at their knock bags. Quite frankly folks, I’m fine with VP Monkey doing the touchin’ as long as Uncle Joe gets to watch. 

My dad always said that a woman’s place…

The intern attempts to tackle Biden, but he sidesteps him.

Was between the sheets…

Monkey bites Biden on the ear, drawing blood.

I guess my VP is advising me to wrap it up.   

Folks might say Old Joe’s gone crazy making an organ grinder monkey his VP, but I say it’s what’s happening to the middle class that’s really bananas.  No one can take the grind of the campaign trail better than him. He’s not going to monkey with your Medicare. 

Monkey stands on the podium dancing, as a woozy, bleeding Biden pulls out a crank organ and plays an instrumental version of “Brass Monkey.”  

Biden/Monkey 2020! Be honest, you’d vote for us over Trump!

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