From cool crochet to the return of hot pants, this is your official guide to spring’s top trends…Welcome to what’s now.

Harper’s Bazaar 
January 2020

Dear Harper’s,

I look-see’d your review of the runway’s spring 2020 fashion trends. 

Of course, I don’t speak for all of my fellow AARP-eligible sisters, but these trends don’t seem — how should I word it — right? for those of us over 50. I hope you don’t mind, but I took the liberty of ratcheting them up a few decades. 

The Disco Collar
And just like that disco’s not dead. 
The wide collar favored by the Studio 54 set made a surprise comeback on the spring 2020 runways.

Our generation was born into disco, and Studio 54 was where it was at. Except we were ten or twelve, and we lived 1500 miles from Manhattan. But all was not lost. We sent Drew Barrymore as our envoy, and she sent back photos of greatness.

So perhaps a Tony Manero top is “what’s now” for the new cool kids, but we’re going to dance with the one who brung us and follow Drew’s Instagram lead.

So ladies: Pull out your crew neck tees and jars of peanut butter, because this is “what’s AARP-now.”

Highlighter Reel
What’s fluoro pink, orange, blue, green, and yellow, and refuses to blend in with the crowd?

What do you think our kids will say if they come check on us and find us garbed in disco-collared Tony Manero shirts, but in neon? “Thank god for the quarantine,” is what they’ll say.

So as not to humiliate our offspring, we quinquagenarians are going with the seasonal color wheel that has worked for us lo these many years. 

Ladies: Found out in the 80s that you’re a cool summer? Then a cool summer you shall be for spring 2020. Continue on with your jewel tones.

Spring Leather
Once reserved strictly for fall and winter, leather is ready to have its moment during spring too.

Let’s say, just hypothetically, that the whole darned country doesn’t live in New York. 

And let’s say, just for ease of arithmetic, that 20% of the country is warm (or perhaps hot as hell) during spring. 

Continuing with our math problem, assume with me that there are about 22 million females between ages 50 and 59 in the U.S. (which I think is about right).

Let’s presume those women are divided equally among the states (I know, I know, Wyoming throws things all off, but go with me here), we’re left with 4.4 million menopausal women in hot states. 

So no, spring leather is not an option.

What shall our trend substitute be? Gauze or fishnet. Ladies’ choice.

Well-Vested
…there’s something quite dapper and appealing—not to mention endlessly flattering—about the almighty waistcoat.

Let me tell you a story, Harper’s. Back when my son was about four, he asked me “Mommy, why are your breastezz so long?” — long being an adjective you never want associated with your breastezz.

Given that backstory, I’m thinking the button-front Savile Row vest may not be the best look for those of us with breasts long down to our I-had-a-ten-pound-baby bumps.

So, we children of the ’60s will be opting instead for the Eileen Fisher mid-thigh-length black open-front vest, as we have for all springs past. 

Le Polka Dots
Designers are digging in their luxury heels when it comes to the almighty dot—
simply put, the trend shows no sign of slowing. 

Believe me, Harper’s, this trend had signs of slowing in our teens.

We’ll defer to your expertise, though, and be good sports about this. Our le polka dots shall be these.

‘60s Wallpaper
From the flowing silhouettes to the lively patterns, the ’60s was all about having fun with fashion. 
To whit, the decade was called swinging for a reason.

This one, we’ll give you, Harper’s. We’re all about the ‘60s.

So ladies: Pull out your Pucci prints, and let’s swing.

Not Your Grandmother’s Crochet
Crochet is getting a cool update come spring.

Hey, hey, hey. A lot of us are grandmothers. What the heck is wrong with our crochet? I’ll have you know that we wore our crochet wraps to Cotillion well before your models even knew what style was.

Ladies: Let’s stand firm on this one. Your grandmotherly crochet is just fine. Drape your doilies over your shoulders proudly.

Some Like It Hot Pants
Whether you style them with leggings or over a mesh dress; 
pair them knee-hight boots or pumps, rest assured that hot pants will make your legs sizzle.

Hot pants with knee high boots. Somehow, I’m not visualizing our legs sizzling.

Child of the ‘60s replacement shall be: “We’re So Fucking Hot Pants”.

Seriously. We’re. So. Fucking. Hot. 

Harper’s, can’t you get a design whiz to put air conditioners in pants?

Bra-Top Craze
Crop tops are no longer cutting it—the bra top has officially entered the party.

I enter the party. No longer in a crop top, because crop tops no longer cut it. No, I’m donning a 38F bra top. And the party is now over. “Thanks a lot for ruining the party,” says the host.

So a mid-life non-party-ruining replacement: Comfortable Bra Craze. With underwire.

Birds of a Feather
…give the look a bit of edge by styling a glam feathered top with a cool pair of trousers or jeans.

Now’s the time to pull our look together.

-Drew’s crew neck t-shirt

-In your seasonal color wheel shade 

-A jar of peanut butter in hand

-Comfy bra

-Gauze or fishnet pants

-In a Pucci print

-Long Eileen Fisher vest

-And a crochet doily wrapped around your shoulders

-Polka dot socks

-And now for the sprinkle on top: A feather boa

Oh man, spring 2020 is going to be hella fun. 

In Tiers
From flamenco dancers to ballerinas at the Paris Opera, tiered skirts have long been part of the dance lexicon. 
Now, you can two-step with the professionals in a flirty frock of your own.

Shit, we can’t two-step with the professionals, what with the social distancing and all. Now spring is shot to hell.

So forget ‘In Tiers’, Harper’s.

For spring 2020, the only trend I predict is ‘In Tears’.