- Thumb exercises.
- Posting my own schedule so you can remember it to reference it later. Also so others can stalk you. Also so everyone quarantined can feel guilty one more.
- Furiously checking everyone’s follower counts, even though these don’t change very often and truly don’t matter.
- Passing the time during a pandemic.
- Posting private text convos by “accident” when you don’t know how to dump someone.
- Taking up space on your phone that would otherwise have been occupied by a virus, I think.
- Reconsidering your choice not to learn how to use TikTok (it’s too late, though).
- Liking your crush’s post from three years ago just to test fate since he’ll never know.
- Filtering photos to put on Twitter, which just got a whole lot cooler but is still lame.
- Developing theories about which influencer dogs are the cutest but being unable to confirm them without public opinion. Perhaps starting a podcast to get feedback on your theories?
- DMing C-list celebrities, just in case.
- Making money for people who need it, like Mark Zuckerberg.
- Finding fun recipes! Except how will you know if a cookie tastes good when it hasn’t gotten thousands of likes. Or banana bread. Why is everyone baking banana bread?
- Watching celebrities take workout classes you can’t afford and using their price tag as an excuse for not exercising at all.
- Nostalgic Caroline Calloway research.
- Posting a nude and then when people reference it in conversation, pretending you didn’t realize anyone saw it, since technically there’s no public record that they did.
- The News. Yes, that’s right, you can continue to get all your news via Instagram ads.
- Pretending you don’t care what other people think (can you even imagine???).
- Financial compensation for .00001% of users, all of whom are under 16.
- Celebrity nip-slips – these require no likes.
- I guess we could start using it to register people to vote, right?
- Determining who is more “evolved” than you are based on who continues to post photos despite not getting the validation.
- Deciding it’s time to go to therapy now that social media isn’t giving you what you need.
- Remembering the “good ole’ days” of Facebook, back in 2006.
- Killing time between major life events (this hasn’t changed).
Little Old Lady Comedy 