Posting my own schedule so you can remember it to reference it later. Also so others can stalk you. Also so everyone quarantined can feel guilty one more.
Furiously checking everyone’s follower counts, even though these don’t change very often and truly don’t matter.
Passing the time during a pandemic.
Posting private text convos by “accident” when you don’t know how to dump someone.
Taking up space on your phone that would otherwise have been occupied by a virus, I think.
Reconsidering your choice not to learn how to use TikTok (it’s too late, though).
Liking your crush’s post from three years ago just to test fate since he’ll never know.
Filtering photos to put on Twitter, which just got a whole lot cooler but is still lame.
Developing theories about which influencer dogs are the cutest but being unable to confirm them without public opinion. Perhaps starting a podcast to get feedback on your theories?
DMing C-list celebrities, just in case.
Making money for people who need it, like Mark Zuckerberg.
Finding fun recipes! Except how will you know if a cookie tastes good when it hasn’t gotten thousands of likes. Or banana bread. Why is everyone baking banana bread?
Watching celebrities take workout classes you can’t afford and using their price tag as an excuse for not exercising at all.
Nostalgic Caroline Calloway research.
Posting a nude and then when people reference it in conversation, pretending you didn’t realize anyone saw it, since technically there’s no public record that they did.
The News. Yes, that’s right, you can continue to get all your news via Instagram ads.
Pretending you don’t care what other people think (can you even imagine???).
Financial compensation for .00001% of users, all of whom are under 16.
Celebrity nip-slips – these require no likes.
I guess we could start using it to register people to vote, right?
Determining who is more “evolved” than you are based on who continues to post photos despite not getting the validation.
Deciding it’s time to go to therapy now that social media isn’t giving you what you need.
Remembering the “good ole’ days” of Facebook, back in 2006.
Killing time between major life events (this hasn’t changed).
