Uses For Instagram After It Eliminates “Like” Counts

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  • Thumb exercises.
  • Posting my own schedule so you can remember it to reference it later. Also so others can stalk you. Also so everyone quarantined can feel guilty one more.
  • Furiously checking everyone’s follower counts, even though these don’t change very often and truly don’t matter.
  • Passing the time during a pandemic.
  • Posting private text convos by “accident” when you don’t know how to dump someone.
  • Taking up space on your phone that would otherwise have been occupied by a virus, I think.
  • Reconsidering your choice not to learn how to use TikTok (it’s too late, though).
  • Liking your crush’s post from three years ago just to test fate since he’ll never know.
  • Filtering photos to put on Twitter, which just got a whole lot cooler but is still lame.
  • Developing theories about which influencer dogs are the cutest but being unable to confirm them without public opinion. Perhaps starting a podcast to get feedback on your theories?
  • DMing C-list celebrities, just in case.
  • Making money for people who need it, like Mark Zuckerberg.
  • Finding fun recipes! Except how will you know if a cookie tastes good when it hasn’t gotten thousands of likes. Or banana bread. Why is everyone baking banana bread?
  • Watching celebrities take workout classes you can’t afford and using their price tag as an excuse for not exercising at all.
  • Nostalgic Caroline Calloway research.
  • Posting a nude and then when people reference it in conversation, pretending you didn’t realize anyone saw it, since technically there’s no public record that they did.
  • The News. Yes, that’s right, you can continue to get all your news via Instagram ads.
  • Pretending you don’t care what other people think (can you even imagine???).
  • Financial compensation for .00001% of users, all of whom are under 16.
  • Celebrity nip-slips – these require no likes.
  • I guess we could start using it to register people to vote, right?
  • Determining who is more “evolved” than you are based on who continues to post photos despite not getting the validation.
  • Deciding it’s time to go to therapy now that social media isn’t giving you what you need.
  • Remembering the “good ole’ days” of Facebook, back in 2006.
  • Killing time between major life events (this hasn’t changed).

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