Your Urgent Work Email — A Guide To My Response

Dearest co-worker,

In the wake of the latest developments regarding your urgent request for information, I’d like to take a brief moment to update you on how I will be responding.

First, I want you to know that I am actively monitoring the guidance of our Human Resources department. In the meantime, I am taking the following precautions to ensure that I can reply successfully:

1) Self care and maintenance: my top priority is to be happy, well-rested, and stress-free. I am doing whatever I can to guarantee that my body and mind are in optimal condition for replying to your email when I can no longer avoid it. This includes playing video games, taking hour-long baths, and blasting Enya throughout my home. 

2) Work environment: a messy apartment can only lead to disorganized and unprofessional email responses. As a result, I have spent hours scrubbing every surface with Lysol. I have reorganized and alphabetized my bookshelves. I have even disassembled and reassembled every piece of Ikea furniture I own to double check that everything is constructed to the highest possible standard. With this kind of dedication, I can only hope that my reply to your email will live up to the high standards I am setting. 

3) News and information: as the situation continues to evolve, it is important for us all to remain in the loop, combating rampant disinformation across the web. As part of this effort, I have been updating my Twitter, Facebook, Snapchat, Instagram, TikTok, Marco Polo, and Tinder accounts every ten seconds. Recent posts include: “I only just realized that Karl Urban is in a crapton of movies #eomer #bones #skurge #judgedredd” and “My dog and I are now on the same pooping schedule #yorkies4lyfe.” It is imperative that you follow all of these accounts to get the latest on my action plan for gathering the critical data you requested, especially because I have yet to actually collect that data. 

4) Writing this message: this writeup is the result of days of brainstorming. It has been proofread by my wife, our two middle-school-aged children, and all of my Instagram followers. It is my sincere wish that it has left you with a feeling of security and safety. Please know that I am doing everything I can to establish the best possible protocols in this trying time.

With these procedures in place, you can expect a reply to your message in the next 72-240 hours. I thank you for your patience.

Sincerely,
Your quarantined remote co-worker

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