From the Desk of Paul Barleycorn (Sen-R:OK):
My fellow Americans. Many of you have become aware of certain allegations made against me by various mainstream media outlets. My good standing with my constituents is of the utmost importance to me, which is why I will now address these baseless accusations one at a time. I want to emphasize that I did nothing wrong.
The New York Times has reported that I purchased stock in DeMondieu, a chemical company that produces personal protective equipment (PPE) on January 24. That was the same day that members of the senate were given a special briefing on the expected effects COVID-19 would have on America, the economy, and the world. Now could this PPE be used during a global pandemic relating to an outbreak of a novel virus? Sure. But I only bought stock in this company as a present for one of my grandchildren.
You see, January 24 is my six-year-old granddaughter Marabelle’s half-birthday, and that’s why I purchased 1.8 million dollars in stocks from the PPE company. These stocks will be given to her on a later date of my choosing many years from now.
I wasn’t even thinking about the highly-detailed briefing I had just been given only hours before. So if I wasn’t thinking about the briefing, then there was no way for me to be using my newfound knowledge about how those stocks were expected to be worth at least double what I paid for them in a few weeks time. It was just a happy coincidence! To make up for this affront to me I would like to see The New York Times issue a full apology for this attack. I would also like for them to take out a full page ad wishing Marabelle a happy 7th birthday on August 5 (we round up when it comes to half-birthdays).
Now on to the next matter. The leftists at The Philadelphia Inquirer will have you believe that I pushed for the elections in Wisconsin to be held during this pandemic to suppress votes. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Now of course, studies have shown that a lower voter turnout generally favors republicans, and yes, there was a key special election that could lead to a republican judge being elected to the state supreme court, but that’s not why I was so adamant that the election still occur on April 7 as planned. I am just an absolute stickler for dates. When a date is set I stick to it NO MATTER WHAT!
Don’t believe me? Well, when April 3 rolled around I still took Marabelle and my other grandchildren to see the film Peter Rabbit 2: The Runaway, even though its release had been pushed back to 2021 and no theaters were open. Honest I did. Ask Marabelle, she was severely disappointed and confused. So now you know why I pushed for the election to still happen. And if that GOP judge happens to be elected, I know he’ll do a great deal of good for Wisconsin. How do I know this? Because he’s my cousin Tom. That is of course just another happy coincidence.
Finally, I want to let you, the little people, know that I will be suing The Washington Post for their libelous claims. You’ve probably read the article stating that I put forth a bill in the senate to make “The Purge” a real thing. And that I wrote the bill after I had purchased the domain names “thepurge.com“, “thepurge.net“, and “paulbarleycorn4thepurge.com“. That’s just left-wing nonsense. The only reason I bought those domain names was because my wife and I were thinking about maybe creating our own juice cleanse at some point and calling it “The Purge.” Furthermore, the rumors that we upgraded our palatial estate in preparation for a purge are also false. The only reason we recently had bullet-resistant windows installed is because birds constantly fly into them and we got tired of them breaking. The price difference between the base-model windows and the purge-effect-resistant models was so small it would’ve been dumb not to splurge. As a firm believer in the 2nd Amendment I do not feel that I need to explain the newly mounted gun-turrets at the top of my driveway. It’s my right as an American to own them.
Now that I have addressed all those terrible untruths about me I must say that this is an uncertain time for all of us. So whether you go out in public or if you stay indoors, you should wear PPE at all times. Make sure to buy a lot of PPE, and even if it says otherwise, throw out your PPE after one use and buy more. My wife Marge and I wear our PPE all the time. And in our household we only use trustworthy PPE, like the kind the good folks at DeMondieu make.
We are all in this together, so do your part. Practice social distancing and obey the law to its fullest extent. But if you feel like you wish you could vent and really let loose for say, one night, please head over to change.org and sign my “Purge Petition.” Call me crazy but I think the American people deserve a night off!
Thank you and God Bless America.
Paul Barleycorn, Senior Senator of Oklahoma
Letter distribution paid for by the “Thomas Barleycorn for Wisconsin State Supreme Court” Committee.