‘Please Clap,’ Says Jeb Bush After Sex

FLORIDA—Former Presidential candidate and 43rd Governor of the state of Florida Jeb Bush recently turned to his wife Columba and asked her to ‘please clap’ after they had sex.

The incident occurred last Saturday night at around 9:30pm in the couple’s bedroom. The embarrassing moment was made public during a brunch date the following day with Columba and her ‘BFF’ and ‘sister from another mister,’ Diane.

‘He just rolled over, then stood up and looked at me with a sad puppy dog face and asked me to please clap,’ said Columba. ‘His performance just wasn’t that good,’ continued Columba. ‘I wanted to clap, but it didn’t deserve applause. It was very mediocre intercourse. He’s better than that.’ Bush then tilted his head and again asked for clapping.

When Columba refused to clap, Bush, already deeply dejected and humiliated, exiled himself to a night on the living room couch. Columba said the remainder of the evening was peppered with Jeb audibly sighing, while the sounds of him binge eating a mix of Lay’s ‘Sour Cream & Onion’ potato chips, Coca-Cola Zero Sugar, and Ben & Jerry’s ‘Chunky Monkey’ ice cream reverberated throughout the sad house.

The occurrence comes four years after the then Republican candidate for President asked a silent crowd to clap for him during a campaign speech. Columba said Jeb has been asking for applause ever since that day in 2016. ‘It really scarred him. It’s very sad. He does it many times a day. He’ll get the mail, point to the envelopes in his hand and ask me to please clap.’ Columba also recounted a time when after opening a particularly stubborn jar of pickles Jeb paused, and sure enough asked for a round of applause.  

When asked to comment about his lackluster performance between the sheets Bush said, ‘I don’t know anything about that, but I do know that I successfully mowed my lawn this morning…please clap.’

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