I Am Vera, Your Vegan Lotion Multi Level Marketing Mentor, And I Am NOT A Witch

women s black spaghetti strap dress

Hello youthful one. I am Vera, your vegan lotion multi-level marketing mentor. Welcome to Skins, the vegan lotion company that is literally ending women’s lives. Oops…I mean changing. Changing women’s lives. 

Here at Skins we make all natural vegan potions, damnit, I meant LOTIONS! I always do that. God. Speaking of God…do you believe in God my dearest? You do, huh? Truthfully, He doesn’t like me too much. Why not? Oh, ermm, uhhh, it’s because I’m a woman, am I right? NOT because I’m a witch. For goodness sake no! That’d be just preposterous! Just ridiculous! Some regular brouhaha. Get it? Really, I’m just a normal woman. Not a witch at all. Wowza! I’m going off the rails here.

 Let’s get down to business. We’re in this to sell, sell, sell baby! Speaking of babies, you have the skin of a baby. So soft. May I? Ah yes, quite soft. And you didn’t even have to kill for it. Oh, did I say KILL? I meant uh…make a killing. You know, in an entreprenuerial kind of way? Like you’re about to do! Make a ton of money! But wow, it’s really just like a baby’s. May I touch again my dear? Wow. Feels like silk. I just wanna wear it!  Haha, kidding!

Let’s get to the point. What are we at Skins really all about?  Well, by selling selling selling, you help, make me, immortal. I mean, well, look and feel immortal, you know…through beauty! Let’s put it this way. We steal souls. I mean save them! Save souls. Because our totally all natural  vegan lotions give women the confidence they need for their souls to feel beautiful. Look at me for instance. Look at my skin. I look 25, right? But I’m actually 400. Oops. I meant 40. I always do that!  

Now look at you, my sweet, you’re actually 25. Bitch. Kidding! Well, guess what? You’re about to look SO MUCH YOUNGER!  But here’s the twist about Skins. We’re the kind of potion–damnit—LOTION that makes your skin worse befoore it gets better. It’s a detoxifying, safe, uhh…vegan process thing. So, don’t be alarmed if as you start to detox and look a little older, that I simultaneously start to look even younger. It’s only because I’ve because I’ve been using Skins for over a century–damnit—DECADE now!

After exactly 14 days of applying our lotion, you’ll go missing! I mean, you’ll look magNIficent. Slip of the tongue. I miss the days when you could just cut somebody’s tongue out to stay immortal. But no, now I have to pose as a goddamn multi level marketing vegan lotion guru–what a crock of shit—vegans are the worst, I don’t even like LA. Oh, did I say that out loud? I didn’t mean any of that. Back to Skins.

Now, this next part may sound weird my dearie. But we are an all natural company, which means that, we help make the products. Every day, I’ll need you to place one hair, one eyelash, one hangnail, and a little spit, into this here vial. Don’t be alarmed. This is how we make all of our natural p–lotions. Don’t worry my darling, it’s totally painless! And please, as you pluck, keep applying our lotions. There’s some of me in there! Haha! And if in the next two weeks, you start to look like an old grainy witch, just know that the potion is WORKING. You’ll be ready to sell in no time, honey!

What? I look like somebody you know? An actress named Mindy who you thought moved back to New York? I don’t know a Mindy. Was she pretty? I look exactly like her? Oh STOP! She moved away two weeks ago? Come on now. You’re so sweet.  I’m 400, I mean 40, jeez, for goodness sake. I’m not Mindy. I’m also not a witch! Haha!

Oh by the way. Thanks for that 500 dollars. You gotta spend money to make money to make money honey. I’ll be making rent. Ugh, sometimes I wish I didn’t have to be immortal and pay these goddamn bills, I mean, look immortal and pay these wonderful bills! Anyway, let’s take out your first hair, eyelash, and nail and get you ready to sell sell sell! Welcome to Skins!

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