Not Impossible Democratic Candidates For President: Thinking Outside The Ballot Box

by Phil Witte

Joe Biden looks to be the Democratic candidate to face off against Donald Trump, but many Dems aren’t excited about that prospect. It’s not too late to give serious consideration to a few outliers.

Drake – Biracial, bi-religious, bi-national, by gosh, Drake may be the perfect crossover candidate. With more than thirty-six million Twitter followers, he can mobilize his devotees, whether to embrace diversity or trash Pusha T. Imagine a State of the Union Address in soulful song. Bonus: he’ll capture the votes of U.S. citizens who fled to Canada after Trump was elected.

Bernie with guns – Of course, Bernie Sanders has an ardent following among young, progressive voters, but did you know that he received a grade of D- from the NRA? That’s a passing grade! Hillary got a big, fat F. Dems need to tout Bernie as a Second Amendment advocate. Strap a couple of bandoliers on him Pancho Villa style, and gun nuts will take to him like bikers to Jack Daniels.

Crazy Eddie – The real Crazy Eddie (Eddie Antar) passed away in 2016, but his radio commercials live on in the memories of millions. If someone could pose as a reincarnated Crazy Eddie, he’d be the perfect match for Tump. Once a high-flying millionaire salesman, Eddie was busted by the feds for fraud, leading to the bankruptcy of his business empire. Sound familiar? And, unlike Trump, this candidate would admit up front that he’s crazy, and get points for honesty.

Andres Manuel Lopez Obrador – As the President of Mexico, AMLO has his hands full. But if he could be persuaded to serve as chief executive of the U.S. as well, many sources of conflict would likely disappear. By combining the treasuries of the two countries, he could fulfill Trump’s empty promise that Mexico will pay for the border wall. Immigration problems could be solved by conferring dual citizenship on residents of both countries. His campaign slogan “Abrazos, no balazos” (“hugs, not gunfire”) may need to be modified—perhaps “Hug a concealed weapon carrier”?

Vladimir Putin – Not an obvious choice for the Dems, but what better way to cripple the Trump campaign than to woo away his chief benefactor and strategist? Putin knows where the bodies are buried because he buried them himself. Democrats have taken the high road for too long. Isn’t it time to try to road to perdition?

Your parents – Open-minded—to a degree—progressive—within limits—your parents may be the ideal team to defeat Trump in 2020. They could run on a platform based on family values, provided they’re still married, and thereby co-op conservatives. The only question is who would top the ticket. Let your parents decide; they know what’s best.

Homer Simpson – Not being a real person could hurt a bid for the Presidency, but Homer would crush the vote among poorly educated, semi-skilled, insecure, white men who are now solidly in Trump’s camp. He already has the most memorable dumbed-down campaign message in “D’oh!” If the country is in the mood for a dope you can share a beer with at Moe’s, Homer will get the nod.

Caitlyn Jenner – Democrats may be nervous about pushing a woman as their candidate, but they could hedge their bets by touting this celebrity, who has proved to be a winner in both gender identities. In more conservative regions, Jenner’s career as an Olympic gold medal-winning decathlete could be highlighted, using the old Wheaties box for campaign posters, and for the rest of the country, Jenner’s handlers could hype her new look as Vanity Fair cover girl. One small problem: Jenner is a registered Republican.

Statue of Liberty Human Statue – You see them on the street, hoping tourists will pay a buck to take their photo. Are they just a hokey gimmick that diminishes America’s universal symbol of freedom, tolerance, and acceptance of immigrants, or might one of them also be capable of leading the free world? They don’t move, they don’t speak, they seem imperturbable—and they’re instantly recognizable. What’s not to like about Lady Liberty? Go green in 2020.

Hunter Biden – No other candidate would attract more Republican attention.

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