Dear Valued Inventor,

The patent office rejects your proposal for the De-Dropper 2.0, a self-described revolutionary apparatus that prevents the dropping of your phone on your face while laying down with a detachable nuclear reactor.

Again, we apologize but we are going to have to reject your patent claim for the De-Dropper 2.0 for a number of reasons—none of which involve the name which, I must say, has perplexed us as there doesn’t seem to be a 1.0. Whereas we applaud the thought in developing a device that prevents one’s phone from falling onto one’s face while reading in bed—we must say much of your device is impractical and also highly dangerous. We don’t understand why it would require 30 yards of twine or a thermal nuclear reactor. 

This just seems poor design on your part. We have consulted local law enforcement to investigate and ensure that you are not using a thermal nuclear reactor in such a dangerous fashion. Thermal nuclear reactors should only be used as plot devices in Fast and the Furious films. 

We do think that the three trampolines that you suggest between yourself and the arm holding the phone is fairly inventive, but “inventive” is a term we are using generously here and in place of other more appropriate words such as “impractical,” “outright crazy,” and “plain stupid.” Here at the John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt Patent Office, we would never use words to alienate our clients, which is why we reserve the insults specifically for rejection letters like this one. 

We do think that the use of the rubber band to attach your lower torso to the wall in order to hold up your wrist, though impractical, was fairly creative in solving the issue presented on page 2 of just what to do with all the nuclear waste, but we aren’t too sure of the dynamics and how your arm is not severed by such a contraption as presumed with the introduction of the jar of mayonnaise on page 3. 

Furthermore, we really appreciate the illustrations that you supplied. Though we can’t make any of the drawings out, the sun at the top right with the smiley face really brightened are usually dull and otherwise drab day-to-day here at the John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt Patent Office.

We were under some suspicion that this was not actually drawn by you, but by your toddler, especially after we discovered a “B+” on the back of the paper and a note from a “Ms. Clearmont” about penmanship.  

Even though we will be rejecting your patent, we did find that it could make for a good film, and suggest sending it to the producers of Transformers, as this is the sort of thing that they’d likely produce. 

Your apparatus does try to answer a very promising issue, but we feel that there are a number of simpler and safer ways to go about preventing a phone from falling on your face while laying down in bed reading. 

Such as this suggestion: just sit up. 

Thanks again,

Yours truly, 
Sarah Winters, Esq. 
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt Patent Office