I Guilt-Trip My Future Kids With Quarantine Every Time They Complain About Anything

Photo by Bess Hamiti on Pexels.com

Oh, I’m sorry, are you upset that you can’t have dessert? Well, when I was stuck IN QUARANTINE for MONTHS because of the CORONAVIRUS, did I get dessert? Yes. At every meal. Because I was so anxious, and I only ate processed foods. And I was bloated the whole fucking time, so you’re excused from the dinner table, young man.

Oh, does wittle baby wanna go to a wittle birfday party? Back when I was a child, of 28, I wasn’t just allowed to go to bars whenever I wanted. Because they were closed, because of CORONAVIRUS. So if I was able to give up getting shitfaced with my bros for four months, you don’t need to go to Sarah’s birthday party, ok?! I don’t care that she’s your twin sister, give it up!

You wet your bed again? Maybe you wouldn’t have done that, if you’d been thinking a little bit more about how I have to do laundry now. You know – when I was stuck in QUARANTINE because of the CORONAVIRUS – it was actually pretty hard to do laundry. Because the virus was able to live on surfaces, so sharing machines was scary. I also had trouble doing laundry before and after that, but that’s neither here nor there. Next time tell your pee to fuck off!!

Oh, ok, you’re scared of the “dark” because of the “bogey monster?” You know what’s scarier than a dumb little boogey monster?! THE CORONAVIRUS!!! GROW THE FUCK UP, YOU FUCKING INFANT!!! YOU’RE ALMOST THREE!!!

Ok, you want to go to school? To learn!!?!?! We didn’t all get to LEARN in SCHOOL ok!? I had to do my therapy and botany classes ONLINE for over TWO MONTHS when I was TWENTY-EIGHT!!! Sit in front of your iPad and be grateful we still have beans left, you little prick!!

Sorry, I didn’t mean to make you cry. I just wanted you to know how tough I used to have it. So you’ll grow up to tell your therapist how brave I am. Goodnight, sweetheart, do let the bedbugs bite, it’s not as bad as coronavirus.

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