I’m The Large Fish That Your Tinder Match Caught and I’m Warning You, Don’t Date This Fuckboi

man looking at a big fish he is holding
Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com

Hi, I’m the colossal trout your boy Jordan is holding in his tinder profile picture, and trust me, this guy is a sociopath. Jordan only caught me to catch you, and NOT because he’s a class A fisherman. Jordan is using my untimely death to reel your gullible ass in! I’m the very BAIT that’s gonna get you thrown overboard in this doomed relationship. Okay, enough of the nautical puns, but seriously, be careful.

My name is Bob, not that anyone cares, but that’s what my Mom, Trish the Fish named me. I live, or lived, happily in Sheepshead Bay Brooklyn, until your fuckboi Jordan trapped me so he could get laid on Tinder. Don’t be the idiot woman that falls for this strongman fish bullshit. It’s not like Jordan was working alone.

That’s right, I know for a fact that Jordan’s Phi Betta Omega whatever buddies Tim, Tommy, and Toby, helped him drag my flippity floppity body onto their little boat. They named their boat TITS by the way, so seriously, watch out for this boys.

When I landed on deck, Jordan high fived his buddies and said, “Caught the big fucker!” Ummm, excuse me, but I am not a “fucker!” I am a trout, a species of freshwater fish belonging to the genera Oncorhynchus, Salmo and Salvelinus, all of the subfamily Salmoninae of the family Salmonidae. Does Jordan know that?? No, because he’s STUPID. Do not date this stupid stupid man.

And then came the photo shoot prep. You think your boy Jordan just happened to be flexing while holding my dying ass in the air? NO. Before the photo was taken, the toxic masculinity was A FLOWIN. Tim made Jordan do thirty push ups. Tommy rubbed oil all over Jordan’s body. And Toby kept screaming, “Are you a big man Jordan?” Jordan, heart racing from the cardio and skin burning from the oil yelled back, “I’m a big man! I’m a big man with a fish! I will get pussy! I owe it to my boat TITS!” All the while, I’m flopping around the deck on the brink of death. You do NOT want to date this person.

Finally, the photo was taken and posted to Jordan’s tinder profile. Do you know how many women swiped right, just because he was holding me? Muscles glistening… a smile slapped on his stupid face….this man is a straight PSYCHOPATH. Do not get killed!

I know you’re wondering what happened to me, sweet Bob from Brooklyn. Well, I was thrown back, but not before I straight up DIED. That’s right, I perished at the feet of three beefy men on a boat called TITS. It’s a sad fate for me and my poor mother, Trish. Jordan just sailed away, most likely in search of non consensual sex WITH YOU. So watch out!

Do not date, hook up with, spoon, cook for, or kiss this fish holding psycho. He treated me like a trophy and he’ll do the same to you. Take it from me, dead BOB! S.O.S.!!!!

 

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