Me: Hello Melania, good to see you, even if it is over zoom.

Melania: Hello.

Me: How are you?

Melania: I am quarantine.

Me: Oh, you are? That’s good, staying safe is smart. Where are you?

Melania: Is quarantine, I cannot tell you.

Me: Oh, well actually you are allowed to say where you are. Being in quarantine is different from being in hiding.

Melania: Yes, please.

Me: Are you saying that you are in hiding?

Melania: Please.

Me: OK you don’t need to tell me where you, are that’s OK. I can’t even tell if you’re at the White House since you’ve got what looks like the house from the animated film Up as your background.

Melania: Yes, very.

Me: Very what? Actually never mind. So what do you think about the pandemic and how it’s affecting the world?

Melania: Oh yes. I think pandemic not best but also it help me hide so also be best.

Me: Do you mean that the pandemic is sort of a good thing because it gave you an excuse to hide

Melania: Please.

Me: OK, now I know you’re definitely not at the White House.

Melania: (giggles) Hehehehe

Me: Well have you been watching the press briefings?

Melania: Yes, very important for open America.

Me: Oh you think it’s time to open the country back up an come out of quarantine?

Melania: Oh no no no no. I stay hide.

Me: So why did you say that?

Melania: Be best.

Me: Great. Let’s move on. What did you think when the president suggested that people could somehow ingest disinfectants or have light enter their bodies to combat the virus? Pretty crazy stuff right?

Melania: Donal jus do boys talk, is locker room talk. That’s all.

Me: Are you saying the totally hare-brained, non-medical suggestions to cure Covid-19 were locker room talk? That doesn’t make any sense.

Melania: Yes.

Me: Uhhh. I…

Melania: Hehehe. Stop. Wait Tony.

Me: What. Are you talking to me?

Melania: No. Ah, I have to go now.

Me: Wait a minute did I just see Dr. Fauci wearing a white ribbed tank top behind you?

Melania: No. Ahhhh. I am sick. He come to help I have fever so he come to check. He have to look at me now I feel very hot he has to help me take clothes off. OK.

Me: WHAT??! You’re fooling around with Dr. Fauci?

Melania: Please.

Me: Yea, yea, yea. Please, be best, Whatever. OK bye bye. Thank Dr. Fauci for me.

Melania: (forgets to turn off zoom) hehehhe, Tony you my Brad Pitt rawrrr. (All of a sudden speaks English with no accent) Come put your big short in my snatch!! 

Me: (Leaves zoom meeting.)