Illustration by Eva Hill
5 stars: Ordered this mask 5 days ago. Haven’t gotten the coronavirus, so I’d say it’s a success. Freddie keeps reminding me that the mask has not yet shipped. Still, the fact that we’re chatting so much suggests he’s still interested. 5 stars.
4.5 stars: I posted a picture of a screenshot of the mask on the Amazon site (caption: didn’t realize global disasters could happen to me!!!), and it got 42 likes – an all-time high. The only problem is Freddie texted to say it’s the wrong one. Apparently, this mask is part of a children’s Halloween costume. He claims that the whiskers should have made that obvious – sorry I thought maybe hospital workers wanted to have a little fun. Still, a generally positive experience because it means Freddie feels close enough to me (following our 3 amazing dates) to playfully call me dumb!
4 stars: A mostly good experience – I have no idea when the mask is coming, which means I have something to look forward to every day (besides peanut butter). Also, Freddie didn’t ignore my text asking if he’d seen Tiger Kings (he hasn’t). He did ignore the one suggesting he should see Tiger Kings, but you can’t eat the cake too, you know? I’m also eating cake with my peanut butter.
3.5 stars: My only gripe with these masks is they didn’t have a pink one. I know there are more important things to worry about right now than my skin tone (like my weight), but pink is Freddie’s favorite color. Still a pretty good experience, though, because Freddie watched all 14 of my Instagram stories.
3 stars: I ordered the mask 4 weeks ago, and every day, I get an email from Amazon telling me its shipping date has been delayed. It’s nice to have someone emailing me, especially because I haven’t heard from Freddie in a few days. A decent experience.
2.5 Stars: To be frank, I just learned via the New York Times crossword puzzle that this mask will not have voice-activated GPS instructions (the correct answer was: Garmin – so retro). This is simply basic functionality for all products over $100, IMO – why did I spend $680 on it? Also, Freddie told me to stop telling our mutual friends that he “would be my boyfriend by now, if not for the quarantine.” But he did call to say that – he sounds sexy when he’s being dismissive and mad. Overall neutral experience.
2 stars: I guess Freddie is keeping six feet of distance around my heart, too. Also, what I ordered was not an N95 mask, it was 95 ski masks – that was somehow the cheaper option. Pretty bad experience, only because owning all these ski masks reminds me of all the trips Freddie and I will probably never take. Because of the quarantine, and also, because he doesn’t want to
1.5 stars: This mask is ok (it still hasn’t shipped), but I have spiraled deep into a depression. Buy at your own risk – maybe it “keeps out the virus,” but it did nothing to keep out the sad. Why hasn’t Freddie texted?
1 star: I bought a different mask for $4000, had it delivered Freddie, and still haven’t heard from him. Terrible experience. I haven’t stopped crying in hours. This is worse than menstruating.
.5 stars: I have coronavirus. This would be totally, totally fine, except that I tweeted about it and Freddie STILL didn’t call to check in on me. Truly awful experience.
0 stars: Freddie posted a picture of himself with a new girl. Apparently, he is and his roommate rekindled an old flame. I finally get why everyone is making such a huge deal out of this pandemic.
-10000 stars: Amazon wouldn’t give me a refund, even though I explained that the mask arrived AFTER I got sick and, more importantly, dumped. I deleted my account.