Horoscopes By The Drunk Girl In The Bar Bathroom

How should you plan the rest of your month? We asked our favorite Drunk Girl in the Bar Bathroom to consult the universe and see how things will shake out for every sign.

Come here, come here, come here — do you want to know a secret? You tucked your skirt into your tights. That’s not the secret. The secret is that I can read the stars. I am a woman and women can do anything and that means I can know the future.

I know all about Aquariuses. My ex, Aaron, was an Aquarius.  Well, look at me now, Aaron. I’m living my best life, drinking vodka sodas in the bathroom at Sweet & Vicious and making amazing new friends by looking straight into their souls and predicting their astronomical journeys, Aaron.

I meant to say, “astrological.” Pisces, you are a beautiful goddess. I want to take a selfie with you and then we can post it to our Instagram stories and make all of our exes hate themselves.

The stars whispered to me that Aries are the leaders of the pack. But nobody likes a bossypants. Because we are all our own boss bitches. Every woman is a boss bitch. Chant with me: Every woman is a boss bitch. Not just Arieses but all women all the time.

One time, before I realized that I deserve the best, I dated a real-estate broker who drove a Ford Taurus. No, wait. It was his mom’s Ford Taurus. He was 40. Taurus, you really have to get your life together. Please do not be driving your mom’s car when you’re 40. That would bum me out.

Gemini means you’re a twin. Wow, have I ever even met a twin? Do you really feel each other’s pain? Have you ever used your powers to trick a guy? Because that’s what you should do this month, Gemini. Twins could be the matriarchy’s weapon to take down men. How, exactly, is for you to figure out, you genius Gemini. Wait, have I been talking to your twin this whole time?

There’s a sign called Cancer? That is so dark. That is so, so dark. I’m sorry, I need a minute. Because fuck cancer, you know? Hashtag FUCK CANCER. I need another vodka soda.

All that comes to mind is Leo DiCaprio. This month could be your month when you join the army of women who have dated Leonardo DiCaprio. I mean, you only have until you’re what, 24, max? You have to live in the moment. Take charge. Remember, you’re a boss bitch. All women are boss bitches, and all women are Leonardo DiCaprio’s someday girlfriends.

Virgos really stress me out. It’s like, breathe, Virgo. My best friend in high school was a perfectionist, and do you know what happened to her? Wait, do you know Jessica? Did you go to Mill River High, too?

Oh my god, I love your shoes.

I don’t want to anger you, Scorpio. I know what you’re capable of. I’m just going to compliment you on those go-getter skills. You take what you want and we women need to do more of that. The rest of us will just do it over here, away from Scorpios.

Mercury is in retrograde AF. Mercury feels like it’s always in retrograde, always delaying the R train when we have to go from Park Slope to Soho for a meeting in 23 minutes because we wasted 17 minutes on eyeliner, redoing it until both eyes appeared even and then crying a little and having to do it again. We’re so tired. Maybe sit this month out, Sagittarius.

This month, devote yourself to service. Do you have a hair tie?

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