Type 1 – THE SHIT-TALKER
Ones say savage things about those closest to them, those who pose a threat to their self-image or anyone at all when there’s a lull in conversation. Ones poison your mind about people you thought you liked: a mutual friend, your mom, Gloria Steinem, etc. They leave you on edge thinking “Wow, if you’re talking trash about someone I’ve literally heard you call ‘my best friend,’ then you’re definitely talking trash about me.” With Ones, refrain from telling them your secrets – like how you can’t orgasm because you compulsively think of your dad. They will tell everyone that shit.
Type 2 – THE BAD MATCH-MAKER
Twos act as though they care about your wellbeing, but then pawn you off on people who they themselves would never date. Twos leave you wondering, “Is Greg what you think of me? Greg is a Scientologist. He’s not even a hot Scientologist.” When you reject your thrice-divorced neighbor’s offer to grab drinks at Applebee’s, Twos will complain, “You’re too picky, he’s nice!” When you third wheel with her and her high school sweetheart, they’ll announce, “Isn’t there anyone you could set Two up with? There must be someone. How bad is your cousin’s agoraphobia? Is he still on probation for doxxing Michael Barbaro?”
Type 3 – THE FAKER
Threes text you every Friday asking “wyd” and don’t respond when you give them a boring answer like “I’m binge-watching Love Island until my eyes bleed.” Yet, they’re quick to reply “let’s hang!” when you tell them you’re hanging out with your very rich and very hot pediatric surgeon brother, Trevor (a man you’ve fabricated). Threes tell you things like, “I’d offer you a ride to the work retreat, but my car is full,” then 20 minutes later offer a seat to Glenn, your co-worker who clips his finger nails at your shared desk.
Type 4 – THE MAN STEALER
Fours will hug the person you said you’re interested in three seconds too long, while maintaining direct eye contact with you. Mere moments after saying the name of the person you’re crushing on, Fours will say, “No way, me too!” Before you know it, Fours will be wearing your crush’s hat in an Instagram Story.
Type 5 – THE ICE QUEEN
Even though you’ve been friends for years, know their family, and have seen them ugly-cry watching Pixar’s Coco, Fives will stop talking to you over a petty argument. Fives will come to your mutual friend’s wedding and not look in your direction because in 2017 you called them “one of the guys.” When you plainly ask, “Are you upset with me because I called you ‘one of the guys’?” Fives will pretend they didn’t hear you and start talking loudly about their very feminine dress.
Type 6 – THE EXCLUDER
Sixes will turn their back to you in a group conversation and then slowly move backwards until their ponytail is in your mouth. Sixes throw dinner parties inviting everyone in your social circle except for you and one other weird guy who dry-shaves his legs in public. They’ll discuss the party planning details in front of you adding, “I’d invite you, but it’s going to be a bunch of couples and I wouldn’t want you to feel uncomfortable knowing you’re going to die alone.”
Type 7 – THE PERSON WHO SHARES SECRETS IN PUBLIC AND PRETENDS IT’S NO BIG DEAL
Sevens tell everyone you stole Five’s car when you were high on Ambien after you have specifically told them not to tell anyone. When you share your hurt feelings, they’ll respond, “I don’t know why you’re upset; there are children that are suffering somewhere.” When you ask how it would make Seven feel if you told everyone about their third nipple, Sevens respond by rolling their eyes and showing everyone their third nipple.
Type 8 – THE ONE-UPPER
Eights can’t let you have your moment to shine. You say you’ve earned a graduate degree, Eights say they’re a Rhodes Scholar. You say you’re pregnant, Eights say they’ve adopted an extended family of refugees from Myanmar. You say your grandfather recently passed, an Eight pretends to receive a phone call and announces to the room, “my husband just killed himself after giving me COVID-19.”
Type 9 – THE PERSON WHO DOES NOT TAKE YOUR FRIEND’S SIDE IN AN ARGUMENT
I can’t even with Nines. You’re dead to me, Sarah.