I hope you’re well! It’s me, the wild child ingenue from your daughter Stacey’s favorite TV show. You don’t remember me? Every time you see me on TV you say, “That girl dresses like a baby hooker.” That’s me! I’m the one wearing fishnets to school and passing out drunk in cornfields.
I just wanted to reach out and introduce myself before next season, where I will have a very bad influence on your currently well-behaved child.
You still don’t recognize me? Oh, come on Janet! I’m the one who always screams into pillows after sneaking home from parties. I threw up on a trampoline after prom. I’m the one sleeping with two boys at once, Tyler the bad boy who seduced Hannah’s mom and Stuart, the nice honor student who always offers to tutor me. I never let him tutor me though, I don’t need a tutor, this is a teen soap opera, after all, I never actually do homework. I know you’re starting to remember me. I’m the one who skipped class to do ecstasy at the mall!
Ahhh, I see it now in your dilated pupils, you do remember me! I just wanted to introduce myself before I set a series of bad examples for your daughter in this upcoming season. I’m not going to lie to you Janet, this next season won’t be pretty. There is a lot I’m about to teach your naive first-born in the next season of my popular TV show.
I’ve noticed Stacey watches me a lot, she seems mesmerized by my smoky eye makeup and total disregard for graduating high school. I never go to class; I just walk down the halls making inappropriately romantic eye contact with all my teachers whose classes I have never attended. Your little girl just loves when I wear leather shorts to school on a Monday in January. I know Stacey goes on google and looks up what outfits I wear on the show. Let me warn you Jan, she definitely doesn’t think those skirts are too short! And she loves my super low, low-rise jeans. Not trying to scare you, but I think she’s been texting some of her friends that she wants to copy my angular haircut and dragon tattoo, that I reveal is on my lower back in season 2, episode 7.
You may be scared by this, but I promise she will look adorable in my clothes. Everyone knows Stacey has the figure to pull off an extra, extra, extra, extra small green Abercrombie and Fitch polo from 2001. And don’t worry Janet, her field hockey practice definitely takes place next semester at 11 p.m. on Saturdays. Also, in her defense, she’s only going to steal the vodka from your den to make hand sanitizer. You don’t need to worry! I am here to look out for her. You can’t always be there for her Janet, but I can, and I always will be. All the time, because seasons 1 and 2 are on Netflix now. This next season I’m going to take your daughter on an adventure, but it will be fine. She doesn’t need to know math anyway; there’s a calculator on her phone. Don’t worry Janet, she’s in good hands, man hands, belonging to large men, that we’re going to meet on motorcycles.
Love you, Janet!!!!
Oversexed Teenage Character Played by A 29-Year-Old Actress