“I’m a savage on TikTok, an influencer on Instagram…and a conspiracy theorist on Facebook.”

“This Cougar Queen just binge-watched Tiger King.”

“Stay six feet apart from my own husband? You don’t have to ask me twice!”

“I’m coming out of the closet as a Cuomo-sexual-and I’m looking forward to his next debriefing.”

“If I knew I’d end up home-schooling my kids, I would’ve paid more attention in kindergarten.”

“Quarantine? More like whorentine! Oh, who am I kidding? It’s borentine…”

“An Apple a day keeps the doctor away-and an Apple iPad keeps my kids away!”

“These days, wearing a mask to Whole Foods is as kinky as it gets.”

“I’m wistful for the days when ‘social distancing’ meant pretending you don’t see a bitch at a party.”

“When my children whine, I drink wine. It’s only fair!”

“I went from Netflix and Chill… to Disney Plus and Spill.”

“I’m old enough to remember when ‘Corona virus’ referred to the aftermath of a drunken hook-up during spring break…I’m not old, but it was only last year!”

“I can’t wait until the Amazon guy with the large package gets here. That’s not an innuendo-seriously, we need toilet paper.”