Lovers I Need To Have Before Settling Down

  1. Someone with shaggy hair who works as a barista, but is writing a novel on the side
  2. Someone with an HBO Go password
  3. Someone really into brunch  
  4. Someone petty (so I can get over my fear of fighting)
  5. Someone who’s really good at photography and has a particular favorite subject (me, duh)
  6. Someone really good at sex (duh)    
  7. Someone so bad at sex that I will appreciate mediocre sex
  8. Someone with medical training (while I’m in between primary care providers)
  9. Someone who writes songs about me
  10. Someone to post matching, disgustingly-sweet facebook posts with
  11. Someone who swore off social media when it was still possible to do that without having life altering FOMO
  12. Someone whose mom likes me more than them
  13. Someone whose family I can fight with (so I can get over my fear of brawls) 
  14. Someone with a Costco membership (so I can prep for the apocalypse)
  15. Someone really into meal prepping
  16. Someone who can hang upside-down from a spider web while we kiss in an alley
  17. Someone who was first in line for the throne until their older brother had a son and has hatched a plot to kill said brother and force their nephew to run off and start a new life with a meerkat and a warthog.
  18. Someone who lives in an old mansion and has seduced an innocent engaged couple on a dark and stormy night, all while secretly being an alien.

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