A message from the DNC Chair
My fellow democrats,
Have you ever gazed into the face of Joe Biden and thought, Gee, he looks so real it’s uncanny? Well I have.
That’s why I’m writing to you today. After attending the unveiling ceremony of the new Joe Biden wax figure at Madame Tussauds, I authorized the DNC to conduct a highly confidential national survey. The goal? Determining who has a better chance of defeating Donald Trump in November: waxen Joe Biden or actual Joe.
My “hunch” has been borne out by the results. Bottom line: if the election were held today, 48% of respondents would vote for real Joe over Donald Trump. But if wax Joe were the candidate, that number jumps to 91%!
Obviously, it’s never good news when a waxen figure polls better than your candidate. But am I discouraged? No. In fact, I see a unique opportunity. The question is: are we willing to seize it?
Take a look at these eye-opening nuggets from our research:
· 71% would rather have a beer with wax Joe
· 85% agree that wax Joe comes across as more authentic
· 69% believe that wax Joe would be a more dynamic and persuasive debater
· 99% agree that wax Joe is less likely to say something embarrassing and blow the election
· 57% of female voters agree that wax Joe is less likely to move in close and start rubbing your shoulders
Ask yourself this: what kind of a Joe Biden do you want to get behind? A Joe Biden who says, “Poor kids are just as bright and just as talented as white kids,” or a Joe Biden whose mouth will literally not open?
A Joe Biden who vowed to veto Medicare for All, or a Joe Biden who can be molded to fit a more progressive agenda?
A Joe Biden who comes off like your daffy grandpa, or a Joe Biden who projects quiet dignity, even when he’s being wheeled into an exhibit on a hand truck?
The answer is clear. We must unite behind the strongest Joe Biden we have—the one we had custom made by the same waxwork artist who did Kim Kardashian at a cost of $300,000 dollars.
You may be wondering, why not just use the existing Joe Biden wax figure and save the DNC a few bucks? Believe it or not, Madame Tussauds didn’t actually have one. They’ve got Hello Kitty, but no Joe Biden. Let that sink in.
So, yes, we had to have Joe Biden molded, sculpted, painted, and shellacked at great cost in order to conduct the survey and have our candidate ready in time for the convention.
Imagine the possibilities. We could stick him in an exhibit with MLK, Oprah, and Tupac to shore up the black vote. And we could reach beyond the current choice of running mates and find a progressive woman with real star power—Amelia Earhart, Anne Frank, Rosa Parks.
And picture this on a bumper sticker: Biden and Tubman 2020.
If we take bold and decisive action, Joe Biden won’t just be standing alongside giants of wax like Beyoncé. He’ll take his rightful place in history!
This is a game-changer. Let’s do it!