Day One

In the beginning, when God created the ovaries and fallopian tubes, the uterus was a formless void of darkness that looked sort of like a cow’s head, and it was weird.

Then God said, “Let there be blood,” and there was blood.

And God saw that the blood was good.

And there was evening and there was morning, the first day.

Day Two

And God said, “Let there be an uncomfortable, diaper-like cloth in the midst of the watery blood, and let it separate the waters of blood from the woman’s underwear.”

And it was so.

And God called the large cloth Kotex. 

And there was evening and there was morning, the second day.

Day Three

And God said, “Let the blood beneath the uterus be gathered together into a tinier, slightly more comfortable cloth, and this time, let a bizarre stringy-thing appear.”

And it was so.

God called the small cloth Tampax, and called the red waters that were gathered together in the cloth, a scary, horrible mess.

And God saw that it was good.

Then God said, “Let the woman’s lower lumbar put forth pain, searing pain, to yield wails and tears of the utmost salt.”

And it was so.

The pains brought forth many medicines: aspirins, tylenols, advils, percocets, vicodins, valiums, bath salts, hot water bottles, heating pads, CBD oils, and weed strains of every kind, strewn across the woman’s body and bed.

And God saw that it was good.

And there was evening and there was morning, the third day.

Day Four

And God said, “Let there be moods in the soul of the woman so powerful that she cannot separate the real from the false.” 

Let the moods shift violently in the mind of the woman for what will feel like seasons, days, and years.

And let these everchanging moods be evident when in conversation with the woman, so that she may unintentionally alienate her friends and family.

And it was so.

God made two types of bad moods: the quiet, passive aggressive mood to rule the head, and the loud, openly aggressive mood to rule the heart, and both to rule the vagina.

God set forth these two bad moods, but also shed joy upon the woman, thus making it even harder for her to separate the real from the false.

And God saw that it was good.

And there was evening and there was morning, the fourth day.

Day Five

And God said, “Let the red waters bring forth swarms of cravings, and let sugary treats fly above her lips, and directly into the mouth of the woman.”

So God created great cookies, cakes, chocolates, ice creams, and candies of every kind, on which the woman, mindlessly binged.

And God saw that it was good.

God blessed the woman, saying, “May she be full and bloated. Let her colon fill with gas, and let many crumbs multiply on her chest.”

And there was evening and there was morning, the fifth day.

Day Six

And God said, “Let the uterus bring forth fatigue and exhaustion of every kind, so that the woman feels and looks like a tired beast.”

And God saw that it was good.

Then God said, “Now, let us make the woman think that the red waters have ceased,  so that she may have dominion over her panties, clothes, bed sheets, and sex life. Then, out of nowhere, let the last of the blood slowly creep out of her and onto her pants, for everyone to see.”

And God saw that it was good.

God blessed the woman, and God said to her, “These cramps shall be monthly, and your bloodshed shall multiply, filling your thongs until they are ruined. The blood shall have dominion over your emotions, libido, and will disturb every living lover that once moved upon you.”

God saw everything that he had made in the woman, and indeed, it was very good.

And there was evening and there was morning, the sixth day.

Day Seven

Thus the blood and the pain ceased, and all of the woman’s clothes, sheets, and most of her relationships, were ruined.

And on the seventh day, when God finished the cycle, he rested.

God looked at all the damage he had done to the woman.

And it was very good.