In the past, we at Cosmo have encouraged our readers to incorporate fruit into their sexytimes – because what says, “I love you” better than a festering yeast infection? However, in this socially distant time, you should no longer be hooking up with anyone but your live-in partner (and let’s face it, no one is pulling out the fruit for their husband of 10 years – that’s for Special Occasion times to prove you’re sexually adventurous to the hottie you’re trying to impress).
But don’t worry! There are still wild and fun ways you can use fruit, without even getting laid! Here are some of our best tips:
1. Eat it raw
Some people say that raw dogging fruit isn’t safe. It could be full of bacteria! But it’s a little more … exciting. Just take a strawberry and put it between your lips… what a delicious snack!
Only eat raw fruit if you’ve met its parents first and you know where it’s been.
2. Blend it into a smoothie
Apples, cherries, grapes… why pick just one? Have an orgy in your mouth. This unique flavor combination will have you begging for more. Add some protein powder to this bad boy to help amp up your tummy toning workout later (gotta stay in shape for those thirst traps!).
3. Make a cream pie
Oh my god, this cream pie (recipe) is so good. You’ll just want to smash your face right into it and eat it all up. Put any kind of frozen fruit into a sweet viscous cream filling, and put it in a pie shell. It’s ok if you get a little messy when you eat it, you can always lick it off!
Send a video of yourself eating the pie with gusto to some of the internet men you’re trying to date to fill the void during quarantine, they’ll want to get a bite out of you! Maybe they’ll even send you a pic of their banana.
4. Rub it all over your body to simulate human contact
If you close your eyes, an orange feels a little bit like human skin. Gently place a bunch of oranges on your pillow to mimic the feel of the boyfriend that might have been quarantining with you if you were a little less self-involved and smiled more. (Maybe you should have tried the fruit thing with the last guy you brought home before quarantining, I’m just saying…)
5. Put it in your vagina
Hey, why does he get to have all the fun? You can enjoy the sensual feel of a mango slice in your vagina. If this doesn’t do anything for you sexually, well, that probably makes sense. I don’t know actually anything about sex – how it works, what to do during it. I’m really just a shill for the fruit industry.