I Want To Dump My Boyfriend, But Not Until We’ve Finished All Of Our Netflix Shows

Things have not been going well with my boyfriend lately–he sings country music in the shower (no!!), he wears basketball sneakers too much and I hate when he touches me. I would dump him right now but there’s one really important thing holding us together: the very long list of Netflix shows we are binging.

A relationship is very delicate and it’s important to not just leave without thinking about what you could lose. Although Kevin says “uh huh” way too much in this kinda high squeaky voice, he’s been a very supportive partner, cuddling me during the trashy ups and downs of Love Is Blind and laughing at all the right moments during our later seasons of The Office ironic rewatch. How could I even watch The Great British Bake Off without him by my side, betting on which soufflé will have a jiggly middle?

A long time ago, I watched Netflix…by myself. I would eat popcorn and sadly shoot a friend a text about a funny line, but now that I have Kevin, a partner who is down to watch even the crunkest shows. When we are not watching Netflix, his dishes game is super off and that offends me as a person.  His comments during our Netflix binge-a-thons are what truly keep us together and make me think…hmmm, maybe this could last. 

My friends and family say I should dump Kevin because every single thing he does seems to annoy me, including how he sleeps, that he pets dogs too hard on the street, his blonde-ness, and his basic personality. Maybe I should, but first I need to see how this new slutty show, Too Hot to Handle works and what happens when hot people cannot hookup! Will they combust into fire?? I bet Kevin will have some great sexual zingers for me to laugh at before I remember…damn, I hate this man.

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