My Quarantine Crushes

That Overly Excited Grocery Shopper Who Didn’t Have a Mask But Had a Hoard of Toilet Paper and Tried to High Five Me: He caught himself before our hands met, so it’s totally fine. He is very self aware and well stocked with the essentials. Honestly, I think we had a spiritual connection. My horoscope told me I would meet someone special that day and let’s be real; when I left the house for some non essentials I could feel a connection brewing in the air.

My Crushes’ Ex’s Ex: Okay. I know. I was out here doing a little light stalking of my crush, as you casually do, while on day 55 of self quarantine. I found his ex through a series of very public racy comments on his old band Toxic Toilets, Livejournal account. I wanted to see what kind of woman she was, and the best way to do that, is to look at any exes she has. Honestly, her ex from circa 2015 is a real hottie. I have never seen such a symmetrical face in my life. I mean, yes he’s in jail for breaking and entering, but if quarantine keeps up like this, we could really connect as pen pals for the next three to five years.

My Drug Dealer: Hear me out. Business is slow and there is currently a drug shortage so maybe he will be forced into a new non illegal line of work. Plus he has good hair and access to a car. We could skip town together, go to upstate Maine and chill out in my uncle’s cozy log cabin until this thing blows over.

The Spider That Crawled into My Apartment: He risked his life and eight limbs to spend time with me. He is quiet, mysterious and hangs out on the ceiling. He is totally good at social distancing and is definitely giving off “I have another family in my web across town but I can help you with your ant problem” vibes. I mean could you ask for anything better?

A Wet Breeze: I can’t go on walks when it’s nice out, because there are vastly too many dinguses not following social distancing rules. This means that I am mostly going outside when it’s raining and let me tell you, when that wet breeze skims my cheeks and hands, it makes me feel like another human is in my general vicinity. I’ve never known a love like this, but they say you have to make do with what you have. Now I get why that woman married a train station back in 2012.

Stock Photos of People Laughing: I ache to be back in the presence of other people pretending that I’m having a good time. Looking at stock photos of people laughing just makes me want to jump someone’s bones. It goes without saying that the third guy from the left is giving off single vibes and so am I. 

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