Are you running for office, but whoops, also have a history of being a sexual predator? Worried this little hiccup might get in the way of your presidential ambitions? Not to fear, political consulting firm The Right Touch Strategies offers these 10 ways to empower women in your campaign despite being a sexual predator:
- A great way and immediate way to show you support strong, independent women is to hire a female campaign manager. Be sure to find an especially smart one, because she’ll be forced to justify everything you do and create narratives to get you out of those darn pickles.
- Hire female interns, especially ones out of college to give them their start, but more importantly, the younger and hotter the better. Bonus points if they’re women of color!
- Take close up photos with women you see on the campaign trail. Some recommended poses: an intimate forehead to forehead moment, side hug so you can sneak in a hip grab on live television, or put a hand on their titty.
- Say phrases like, “women deserve autonomy over their bodies,” and release a bare minimum reproductive rights platform, in an attempt to distract from your decades-long history of violating women’s bodies.
- Promise to pick a female Vice President, any woman. Don’t even feel like you have to commit to one specific woman who has sound thinking and a strong policy agenda, because what’s most important is that she is in fact a woman.
- Make ending sexual violence a pillar of your entire career, so no one will suspect that you actually are part of that very culture.
- Beat out every single woman in the primary, even the incredibly qualified ones, and then make the women electorate beg for scraps by promising to have a cabinet that’s 50/50 women.
- Apologize to your accusers and other women you’ve hurt by saying phrases like, “I regret what she endured,” or “I remember that differently” or “that bitch is lying.”
- If your accusers are particularly outspoken, give them justice by using the entirety of the Democratic establishment to silence them. If you can get prominent feminist advocates to cape for you, even better!
- Run against another serial sexual predator, who just had the misfortune of being caught on tape. At least be the better evil!
That’s it! That’s literally all you have to do to make up for being a sexual predator and secure the nomination. Or you could of course do absolutely nothing, and STILL win. And for conservative predators-turned-candidates, don’t forget to check out our special edition manual: How to Grab Those Pussies After They Grab Back.