Dear Valued Employee,
The Covid-19 epidemic is ravaging our company’s stock buybacks. Obviously, it was a bad idea to invest in ourselves. Be that as it may, I know that if we come together as a company, I will make it through this.
Some of you have heard rumors that the company will lay off 90% of our workforce. I started those rumors to get a better bargaining position for our government bailout. This is different from the 2008 bailout, the tariff bailout from last year, or the tax cut which was a bailout with more steps. This is a brand new bailout and is basically our continued business plan. They say a company is only as good as its people, and I agree with that. You truly are the backbone of this company. It is with great sadness that I am now forced to rip out that backbone and replace it with bonus money for your spineless executive team. As of this moment, all staff are hereby furloughed. Don’t let the fancy language give you anxiety. Furloughed is just another word for fired, but this way we can get around paying unemployment. I know many of you have spent a great many years making this company great, and for that, I thank you for my yachts.
The management team and I have tried every conceivable scenario where we could keep on staff. I even offered to take a 1% pay cut so you could still receive some income but the furloughed accountants said that was socialism, unlike our bailouts. Either way, it’s a no go. And even though I make 287 times more than you do, there are only so many sacrifices one man can make. We have prepared a very equitable severance package for every member of our team that is affected by this decision. You will get a month’s supply of bootstraps, a signed copy of my ghostwritten autobiography Your Stimulus Money is My Money, and a Cheez-It. But on a positive note, my book is now technically a New York Times bestseller list since the company had to buy so many for your severance packages! Your kindness is inspiring.
The biggest question, of course, is health insurance. After all, there is a national pandemic and that seems really important to many of you. I can only imagine how vulnerable you will be when you are forced to live in crowded homeless shelters. It would be heartless of this company not to continue your insurance. We are, of course, cutting your health insurance, but please know that I kinda feel bad about it. Then I remember my collection of gold cufflinks, and I feel better. Each one of those cufflinks is worth more than your premium. Just a fun fact to know.
I’m not sure if the company is going to make it through this next phase of the pandemic. As the stock market continues to fall, we may have to dip into our lobbying fund just to keep the PR team going. We are crafting a “Look What You Made Us Do!” ad campaign. Hopefully, this will increase our bailout money which we can then quietly stash in one of our hundred shell corporations in Panama.
I realize you have a lot of questions. Where will your next prime rib brunch come from? How am I going to afford to send my kids to Vail? Do we have to give up our designer dog breeding operation? Please know that I will still be able to do all of that. In fact, I’m expanding the designer dog side hustle to include Covid-19 test kits for our pets! How fun is that! I’m sure you’ll get your tests if the NBA has any leftover.
I encourage you all to keep in touch with my furloughed lawyers and your co-workers. There is strength in numbers. Well, not now. That’s probably a bad idea. Do whatever. I’m sure you’ll figure it out. It has been my honor and privilege to have you pay for my extra helicopter that sits unused on top of all the medical supplies I’ve hoarded.
I hope you survive but really it’s no skin off my teeth,
Your loving CEO of a Fortune 500 company