How to Let All Your Electronics Die Without Leaving the House

Photo by bongkarn thanyakij on

Don’t let quarantine change your routine too much – you can still participate in many of the same activities you did before, such as feeling sorry for yourself and burning food in a pathetic attempt to “cook.” One of my favorite pastimes pre-quarantine was having all my electronics die at inopportune moments, and I’ve managed to take that into the quarantine with me. Consider the following tips:

  1. Stream the same show on your iPhone, iPad, and laptop at the same time, to give you more of a sensation of real life (have it in 3-D). Plug both the iPad and the iPhone into the laptop to charge them – this will help the devices feel unified, and your laptop will quickly die.
  2. Occupy all outlets in your house with space heaters. This way, you’re basically in an infrared sauna (which is great for your skin, BTW), and you have nowhere to charge your kindle. It’s a win-win – the heat will totally break your devices, and you didn’t like reading anyway.
  3. Decide that self-care includes never getting off the couch, which means you can’t charge your phone, which means you continue scrolling until it’s out of battery.
  4. Keep your Bluetooth headphones turned on all the time, even when you’re not using them. This is simple, because it’s actually totally impossible to tell whether or not Bluetooth headphones are on.
  5. Use your phone and tablet as lights to save energy on actual lights. Your apartment will be very dark, but that’s ok – you don’t need a bright apartment to spend all day on your computer.
  6. Set your iPhone to never lock, since no one else would be trying to get on your phone. Forget that you turned on a video podcast and then put the phone on silent. Just let it run its course – the podcast hosts will be grateful someone binge-listened. Or, at least, that the stats show that.
  7. Only use your laptop in bed. Don’t bring the charger with you – if you fall asleep with it plugged in, you might strangle yourself and die.
  8. Dunk all your electronics in water just to see if they’re strong enough to handle the apocalypse. Learn that they are not, and, more importantly, they know longer stay alive for more than 45 seconds.
  9. Decide that charging anything, much like handshakes, are a relic of the Before times, and quit doing it.
  10. Try to make your situation more like Lord of the Flies by letting every electronic die, throwing away your chargers, and killing a pig.
  11. Read a book instead.

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