Please Update Your Post-Quarantine Dating App Profile

Welcome back to the dating pool from all of us here at HeartSwipe — the #1 dating app for only children! Now that the quarantine is over, we and our investors are very eager to get you and your data back into the game!

With so much time spent in physical isolation, we want you to know you’re not alone in how you feel. Potential matches are out there and they’re just as bonkers horny as you.

That’s why we’ve updated our preliminary questions to better reflect how your interests have changed while in quarantine. In order to match someone with the type of human you’ve become, please answer the following questions as truthfully as you’re willing to expose the real you on a dating profile.

  • What’s your baked bread preference: sourdough or something that’s not sourdough?
  • Which new skill did you attempt to learn only to give up immediately?
  • What’s your current favorite viral South Korean beverage recipe? [Please share a side-by-side of the original TikTok video and your messy attempted creation below.]
  • How many different National Geographic puzzles are currently sitting in your Amazon checkout cart?
  • What’s your go-to happy hour, sad hour, and not-sure-how-to-feel-anymore hour cocktail?
  • On a scale of 1 to 50, how many pounds did you gain? [Please upload a picture of said scale’s display below.]
  • How many former high school friends have reached out to you? Are any of them suddenly engaged? What’s up with that?
  • Did Carole Baskin kill her husband? Definitely. But don’t you just like posing that question?
  • Which “comfy” item of clothing from your ex from college have you found yourself wearing? Do you want to talk about that?
  • Which relatives completely ignored the call to shelter in place? [Please enter the names of the ones you’re secretly hoping get sick just to learn a lesson below.]

Thank you for your responses. Due to anticipated body reevaluating, please allow another 4-8 weeks of loneliness until any of your prospective matches feel okay enough with themselves to even dare go out on a first date.

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