IKEA’S Out of Quarantine Bedroom Blowout Sale! (See Conditions*)

Out of Quarantine Special! The Dödsfälla Bedroom Set On Sale for $109.99!*

*Sales subject to the terms and conditions below 

The IKEA Dödsfälla Bedroom Set is manufactured in the beautiful and peace-loving country of Tuvalu reputed for it’s unrivaled toddler labor force. With their unusually low base of gravity, research shows that Tuvalu’ian toddlers are approximately 7x stronger than their coddled American counterparts — keeping labor costs low and productivity soaring. No animals were harmed in the making of this product — except for monkeys. To be exact, 623 Spider Monkeys, 375 Western Gorillas and 1 Panamanian White-Faced Capuchin were massacred to make this product. The monkey slaughter was completely gratuitous, however, IKEA was allotted 1,000 monkey kills by the Tuvalu’ian government and we felt compelled to fulfill our quota. The one monkey spared from the carnage was an adorable tennis ball-sized Squirrel Monkey we named “Freedom.” Shortly after his release Freedom was found hanging from a tree with a vine wrapped around his neck — making it the first known monkey suicide recorded in the wild. As an Eco-conscious company we assure you that the 54,000 pounds of monkey meat did not go to waste as IKEA is now proudly serving Mouthwatering Monkey-Meatballs ® in stores throughout the country. IKEA’s master sommelier suggests pairing the meatballs with a delicate California Chardonnay with notes of perfume, apricot, and lemon to counterbalance the intense taste of monkey. The IKEA Dödsfälla Bedroom Set is extremely simple to build and only includes 592 individual components to assemble. IKEA has discovered through numerous lawsuits that 34 pieces of this bedroom set are the perfect shape and size to obstruct your child’s throat hole — a fact that does not appear to dampen the public’s appetite for our products. DO NOT over tighten or under tighten screws when assembling. Our first priority is the safety of our customers, and is critical that all screws and bolts are tightened the exact right amount or the product may burst into flames and turn you into a human torch. Under no circumstances should you breath anywhere near this product. Each piece of the bedroom set is coated with a mercury-based paint that will give you Stage III blood cancer within hours of contact. Should you accidentally come in contact with this product we request you immediately contact our Helpful Customer Service Hotline where someone will be happy to read you your last rites before your succumb to an excruciatingly painful and grisly death. First, the tips of your fingers will go numb. Next, your ears will pool with blood and before you have time to scream your skin will begin to slowly peel off your body until you are nothing more than a shapeless blob of raw flesh and teeth. Friends and family will try to stay strong, but the very sight of you will trigger simultaneous vomiting and diarrhea — similar to what can be expected after consumption of our Mouthwatering Monkey Meatballs®.

ALL SALES FINAL 

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