So your baby boomer father recently got hitched in a “non-denominational celebration of love” in a rustic barn venue with a woman from your peer group, huh? Lucky you, since now you’ve finally gotten the big sister you’ve always dreamed of! All those “yo’ momma” jokes that used to plague you back in middle school now don’t apply anymore, because your stepmom was born in the same decade as you and is hot. And now that you have an actual MILF as a mom, it’s time to refute some of those old jokes.
1.) “Yo’ momma’s so stupid, she tried to schedule an appointment with Dr. Pepper.”
Funny, your new stepmom claims she hasn’t touched soda in 10 years since she went keto, even though that diet only got popular like last year! As for being stupid, your hot new stepmom was luckily born into the same era as you, when parents finally realized that they should push their daughters to become doctors and lawyers as well. Thank God, your stepmom was part of that group, and graduated Magna Cum Laude from the same university you did—where according to LinkedIn, your attendance overlapped! Your stepmom’s far from dumb, and no wonder—she got your dad to marry her, didn’t she?
2.) “Yo’ momma’s so poor, she chases the garbage truck with a grocery list.”
If your stepmom was ever poor before, she’s not anymore! Dad loves to spoil your stepmom and tell her that she’ll never work another day in her life while you struggle to find employment. According to her Instagram account, your stepmom considers herself a “World Traveler,” so the only thing she’s chasing now are flights to tropical destinations! Her phone is full of numerous vacation countdowns and flight alerts, because why wouldn’t you see the world on someone else’s [your father’s] dime?
3.) “Yo’ momma’s so ugly, she made One Direction go another direction.”
Not only was your new stepmom a huge 1Der back in the old days when you were both in high school, but she even got to meet Zayn at a concert meet and greet—and he signed her autograph, “Baby, you don’t know you’re beautiful.” Your stepmom is such a ten that during her younger years that she’s still supposed to be experiencing, she was crowned homecoming queen (twice), and was even one of those girls who modeled for local photographers’ senior picture ads, which is the ultimate proof that you’re hot!
4.) “Yo’ momma’s so fat, she got baptized at Sea World.”
Hold the phone. Your stepmom is probably the fittest person you know. Not only is she a dedicated CrossFit attendee, but she also hosts her own hot yoga group that has now transitioned into a Yoga Fitness account—it’s now up to 48,000 followers, but she doesn’t like to brag! During Sunday family dinners that your father and new stepmom encourage you to attend, she regularly preps super yummy, vegan and all-organic meals that dad force-feeds himself with a helpless grin. No worries, though—your new stepmom who is also a personal trainer likes to remind you that weight and BMI aren’t accurate measures for health, and says that you “should probably be just fine” eating your third Chipotle bowl that week.
5.) “Yo’ momma’s so old, I told her to act her own age and she died.”
She’s 28, okay?! She’s 28-years-old and at this rate, with her all her good health and financial security and frequent vacations your stepmom will probably outlive you anyway! Just accept it!
So your new stepmom can pass a round of yo’ momma jokes, who cares? Even though she might eat into your trust fund a bit and birth a half-sibling that will be the same age as all your friends’ kids, at least you two can bond over things that really matter: like rehashing the heartbreak you both felt when Zanessa broke up, and deciding which nursing home to put your dad in.