10 Reasons Why My Roadside Memorial Is Bullshit, Mom

1. Plastic lilies.

2. I’ve told you a hundred times that I’m a neo-pagan Wiccan. So why is there a cross in there?

3. That poem I wrote about Bronwyn from geometry class was in my *private* journal. Private! (Plus, I spelled “luminiferous” wrong, and now I look like a dumbass.)

4. Given what happened, I understand why you nailed my cellphone to the shrine, but still: #HARSH

5. Remember how I complained about unloading the dishwasher, and you said “Read Anne Frank’s diary and then tell me about how rough your life is”? Well, maybe, just MAYBE, your overreaction distracted me on that fateful morning.

6. In case you’ve wondered if it was a mistake to put my old Magic cards in the shrine, it was. They were immediately stolen by kids walking past on their way to school.

7. As a straight-edger, I think that “Don’t Drink & Drive” sign is a bit misleading.

8. Deflated Mylar balloons.

9. Pulling out my old tricycle from the garage, painting it white, and chaining it to the shrine was just totally random.

10. Every time people see me now, they’re like “Why aren’t you dead?” and I have to explain that all I did was dent our Honda when I ran over the Sweeney’s mailbox backing out of our driveway.

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