What I Wish Were as Hard to Get Rid of as Facebook

Have you ever tried to delete your Facebook? It comes with a 30-day waiting period, which, fun fact, is longer than the waiting period to buy a gun in most states. I guess it makes sense – you don’t want to make any rash moves, because, after all, you have acquaintances from middle school you may never be able to get back in touch with. I like that it’s so hard to get rid of my Facebook, I just wish some of these other things were a little bit harder to lose.

Photo by Madison Inouye on Pexels.com
  1. My keys: I never know where they are. I just wish someone had asked me to confirm that I wanted to leave them in the Uber.
  2. My hair: It’s unfair, I lobbed it all off in 15 minutes, but the hairdresser really should have held onto it for another 30 days so I could go back on my decision, if the Instagram likes didn’t deliver. Same goes for fingernails.
  3. My bank balance: Yesterday, I had $700 more than I do right now. It seems like that should have been a slower progression. I can’t delete my Facebook overnight, and yet I can buy a new mattress? Illo could possible be a bank balance that just reads, “less than Tuesday” or something silly
  4. The scab on my knee: I’m bleeding everywhere, it didn’t have to be like this. Maybe way too much blood?
  5. My dignity: If only a pop-up screen had asked if I really wanted to tell Ben that I thought it was cute that he didn’t wash his sheets.
  6. Healthy eating habits: What about a deactivation option, where I don’t have to do it right now, but I can return to eating vegetables in the future? Oh, that is an option? Hm, seems like a lot of work. Are fries a vegetable, I feel like we never really landed on that.
  7. My train of thought: It’s not that I wasn’t paying attention, it’s just that you didn’t do enough to remind me not to stop paying attention. This is on you – who are you marrying? This could be a funny speech bubble,  maybe like, one person says, “and then what’d she say,” and the other said, “my cat doesn’t speak human”
  8. Muscle mass: Do you ever go to the gym after not going to the gym? It’s offensive. When I delete and then reactivate my Facebook, all the data is stored exactly as I left it. They didn’t delete a thing. Not one thing.
  9. All My Twitter Followers: Why does it take 5149 clicks to get rid of Facebook and only one to lose my content forever?
  10. My relationship: You should have to look at many happy photos of you and your partner together before you confirm that you’re ready to end it.
  11. My keys, again: I got new ones but now they’re gone.
  12. Presidents, But Just Obama: I get term limits, but I also think it’s worth evaluating who’s coming in after. Not all terms need limiting, ya know?
  13. My confidence: I swear I put it somewhere – someone must have taken it. It takes two clicks to log back onto Facebook and two years of therapy to replace my deactivated confidence? Not fair.
  14. My marbles: I had them for years, and then, you know, coronavirus. Or was it the election? Or maybe my break up? Have my marbles actually been gone for years? Only time will tell. 
  15. My pants: Granted, I might be the only one who has a frequent problem with leaving her pants all over the place, but still. 
  16. My healthcare: You know what doesn’t leave you when you turn 26? Facebook. Also, Medicare for All.
  17. My job: I should have been able to “quit-lite,” you know? Or I should have backed up some of my salary – if only there were  a way to store money you didn’t want to spend right away.
  18. The sensation of joy: It’s always so fleeting. Why can’t it last another 30 days? Why’s it always gotta be 12 seconds at a time? Maybe like a woman smiling broadly as she’s about to step into a pile of turd?
  19. My entire life’s work because I decided it was without value: I know my laptop asked me if I really wanted to empty the trash, but it didn’t ask me that every day for a month – that’s kinda the support I needed.
  20. The Ozone Layer: If the Earth’s atmosphere were as persistent as making sure we didn’t delete it as Facebook was, global warming would be a complete non-issue.
  21. Chapstick: Hanging onto a chapstick until it runs out is truly heroic.

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