BRAVERY BUNKERS: Helping Politicians Hide With Integrity Since 2020

Are you an old, white, male politician who loves displays of military grandeur as long as your personal safety isn’t threatened? Do you feel most at home with a gun in each pocket and your head in the sand? Do you have a mental image of yourself as a hero who would fly a helicopter, turrets blazing, directly into enemy territory during WWII, but in reality you are terrified of angry parents with handmade poster board signs?

BRAVERY BUNKERS is here to support you with top-of-the-line, plush, military-grade underground bunkers for you to wait out civil unease in while you watch reruns of Magnum P.I. and picture yourself as Tom Selleck. Each BRAVERY BUNKER is 100% paid-for by the de-funding of community resources in your area. In fact, we provide a certificate of authenticity showing you the names of the specific after-school programs, food banks, and low-income clinics that went belly-up in the name of your courageous spirit. 

BRAVERY BUNKERS aren’t just any old man-cave; we spare no expense to provide a relaxing environment for your male ego when you need to flee from accountability in times of turmoil. In addition to being in an undisclosed area, each BRAVERY BUNKER is completely soundproofed, so you’ll never have to worry about hearing your constituents crying out for meaningful leadership. We also use high-end finishings in all of our bunkers, including premium leather from the world’s most conservative-leaning cows, wood reclaimed from houses that were torn down in order to build strip malls in the most gentrified areas of your home state, and additional insulation from piles of N-95 masks we didn’t have a better use for. 

Is the United States in a downhill slide towards martial law and the death of democracy? Does your BRAVERY BUNKER have an ACTUAL SLIDE? It sure does! It’s also got foosball, a bowling alley, and a bouncy castle: everything a leader needs to hide with dignity. Bring the wife and kids down for hours of fun! (Or, don’t, we won’t judge you if you need to get away from all that nag, nag, nag.)

In addition to being completely indestructible, your BRAVERY BUNKER comes with the following Five-Star Services:

-Unlimited fast food delivery from restaurants whose right-wing CEOs have donated to your reelection campaign

-ULTRA MASCULINE massage, nail salon, and tanning beds for when you really need to just be a guy. So it’s extra clear that these services are only for courageous Men of Honor, the exterior of the tanning bed is covered in bullets, and your massage therapist will make homophobic jokes the whole time.

-Continual reassurance from our highly trained, on-demand Personal Sycophant that you are doing one hell of a job, and that there has never been a manlier, more valiant, or more physically attractive hero than you, a geriatric grandstander who is cowering in fear of the people he is sworn to represent.

-Ready for empty action? Your bunker has a full studio and photographer for photo ops using our wide selection of backgrounds (military cemetery, church, and chicken restaurant are our most popular!) and props. (As an example of our dedication, Your Personal Sycophant can procure a live baby in any color for a photo op, if the Bibles and American flags we have on hand don’t send enough of a message of how much you pretend to care!)

-And, of course, a cache of weapons and authority to inflict violence on your own citizens with the push of a few buttons. Like OnStar, but for demagoguery!

So what are you waiting for? Your city, state, or country is only going to get more broken and divided, and that means it’s more urgent than ever for you to get that intrepid butt of yours underground for some well-deserved “you time.” Let your staff know that you’re immediately retooling the budget and getting yourself a BRAVERY BUNKER today. If you’re going to sit back and watch the world burn, you deserve to do it in comfort. 

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