This Is America, And I Have The Right To Carry (The Virus)

April 27, 2020

Last I checked, this is America. As Americans, our forefathers gave us the right to carry. And I believe that also applies to the coronavirus, which is why I’m protesting the continuation of the quarantine.

Look, it’s not my fault if some nut job gets sick and goes and licks the outside of a bunch of people’s cups, killing a ton of folks. Is it my fault that some people don’t know how to handle carrying an extremely contagious, deadly virus? I shouldn’t be penalized for that! I believe that if you are smart about it, and know your stuff, you should be allowed to carry any diseases you’d like, anywhere you’d like. And I’d like to go bowling again, for God’s sake!

Ok, yes, I have the virus. But I’m smart about it! Trust me, I feel way safer going out in crowded areas knowing I have the virus rather than someone else. I am well-versed in the safety precautions like staying two feet away or whatever it is. I’m not going to hurt anyone! I might even be able to help if a situation arises because I know so much about this virus. I’ve played lots of zombie video games and stuff, so I’m basically an expert. Believe me: The only way to stop a bad virus is more good guys with the virus. 

Which is why businesses should be allowed to re-open and my wife can finally go get her roots re-dyed. She looks insane! And it just feels tyrannical of the government to force us to stay in our homes. Honestly, if they’re not careful, a well-regulated militia of infected folks like me and my buddies might come overthrow the whole operation. I’ll kiss the governor on the mouth if I have to (no homo). 

And to those who say, “But every other country where this is happening has called for an extended Shelter in Place and their numbers have gone way down,” I say: uh, this is America. We do things a little differently around here. 

Now, I would agree to putting a few regulations in place. I think that we should try our very best to keep any mentally ill folks from getting infected, as they may abuse the responsibility of having this deadly virus and go sneezing around a college campus or something. I also think we should keep the virus away from anyone under the age of 21–this is why my daughter knows the rules in our house. She knows not to go in Daddy’s room (unless she had a nightmare and then what am I gonna do? I’m starting to feel better anyway). At the end of the day, I just like knowing that if in the middle of the night a strange man breaks into our house, I can cough on him before he coughs on my wife and kids. 

Obviously it is very sad that so many people have died and are continuing to die because of coronavirus, but the fact is that I shouldn’t have to give up my right to go play mini-golf with a huge group of my compadres because of that. But of course I do send those folks my thoughts and prayers.

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