Book Boyfriends: The Quarantine Relationship You Never Knew You Needed

Thanks to our new quarantine lifestyle, women everywhere are currently struggling with so many issues; loneliness, work/life balance, anxiety, burnout, a lack of childcare…the list goes on and on. But buried beneath this mountain of strife, I believe many of us are facing another, less frequently discussed issue: we are ready as hell for a new man in our lives. 

Whether you’re quarantined with your partner, who suddenly seems to chew a lot louder than he used to, or you’re single and longing to swipe right, chances are that by this point in the pandemic, you’re in desperate need of an escape. My advice? There’s no better way to take a break from the hell that is reality than grabbing yourself a copy of a steamy novel and getting  yourself a Book Boyfriend.

It’s easy to slip into this relationship, since nearly all worthwhile romance novels are narrated in first person. And it doesn’t actually matter which book you’ve chosen, since all suitable book boyfriends have the same defining characteristics:

Looks: Tall, unusually so, and strong, yet not overly muscular. His hair, wild like his dark and fiery soul, can not be tamed. His eyes, regardless of their color, are a captivating shade of Brooding. He doesn’t not smile often, until he meets you, of course, but he has a sexy, signature smirk that turns women into puddles. He also probably likes hoodies. 

Personality: Moody. It’s not his fault, though; he was made this way by his Haunted Past. Perhaps he had a rough childhood. Perhaps he was meant to die of the Spanish Influenza, but instead became doomed to walk the earth eternally as a sexy vampire with great hair. Whatever the cause, his Haunted Past has molded him into the man he is today: an arrogant, brash, friendless, prickly shadow of a man, viewed as equal parts mysterious and intimidating by those around him. In other words, irresistible. 

Economic Status: Inexplicably wealthy. With your Book Boyfriend, you can put aside any economic strains you feel in your real life, because these men never need to stress about money. Your new beau will be swimming in Benjamins, which is impressive since he doesn’t ever seem to do so anything to earn an income. He might have a job-hell, he’ll even go “off to work” sometimes-but he’ll likely return home to be with you within the hour. After all, you haven’t made love since this morning, and you two have needs! It’s all an amazingly convenient schedule for a self-made billionaire.

Connections: Even though money is no object, it doesn’t mean you’re just sitting at home all day watching E! After all, you have career aspirations…you have self-respect. Unfortunately, life has dealt you a tough hand, leaving you without the resources or networks to land that dream internship all on your own. But not to worry…your Book Boyfriend is here to save the day. Whatever your career aspirations may be, your man just so happens to have the exact right connections to hook you up. It’s actually sort of amazing how many people are willing to help him out, since he avoids relationships with family and friends, and possesses zero interpersonal skills.

Naturally, your internship at your dream job will be a roaring success, in spite of your utter lack of skills, experiences, and references. Plus, with BB on your team, you won’t be sitting in some dumb cubicle with three other interns. You will have your own office, a decent salary, and probably even an assistant who is awkward and shy, but madly in love with you. Best of all, you probably only need to work as an intern for about a month or so before you’ll be hired on as full-time staff/given a promotion/made head of the entire department.

Sexual Skills: Expert Level. Although the real world can wreck havoc on your sex life, with annoying hinderances like your menstrual cycle, hangovers, Instagram-induced meltdowns, and toddlers who storm into your bedroom at inopportune moments, life with your Book Boyfriend will take you back to your yonder years of Virginity. You get to start fresh, with a lover who is more skilled than any real-life man could ever be, and determined to make your pleasure his pleasure. 

Plus, your Book Boyfriend will always be in the mood; he is interested in having his way with you every hour of the day, and you’ll never have to hear excuses about football games, or how he’s not feeling sexy after eating too much dairy for dinner. Soon, you’ll be having so much sex that you’ll be running on about three hours of sleep a day, yet somehow, you will still have the energy to be killing it at work, all while maintaining clear skin and bouncy hair. 

So go ahead, get yourself a book boyfriend. Let’s face it, it’s likely to be the hottest relationship you’ll have all summer. No social distancing required.  

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