What I Want from Foundation, Concealer, BB Cream, Or CC Cream, Whatever They Are

I know I’m in the market for foundation, concealer, BB cream, or CC cream, but unfortunately, I don’t know the difference between them. Help!

Here’s what I want it to do:

  • Lend a dewy glow to my complexion.
  • Make me look like I eat a lot of vegetables and drink six glasses of water that day. Eight would be pushing it. I don’t need a cream to make me look like a liar!
  • Set off the natural rosiness at the apples of my cheeks.
  • Patiently explain to me where the apples of my cheeks are, and refrain from scolding me for not knowing already.
  • Make me smell lovely. Not lavender-and-bergamot lovely, but confidence-and-pheromones lovely. I can grab lavender anytime at the lavender store, but what I really need is self-esteem.
  • Cost me more than toothpaste but less than a cashmere sweater.
  • Come packaged with a velvet pouch for me to rub my face on because it’s so soft. This is important.
  • Give me cheekbones. Let me clarify: It would ship cheekbones to my door in eco-friendly, fully recyclable packaging accompanied by beautiful men (with their own set of cheekbones!) to install them into my skull. We would make really nice small talk the whole time.
  • Make my skin feel like someone had ripped off several rose petals and hot glued them to my cheeks—yes, that soft.
  • Clean up blood-stained rose petals from the floor.
  • Quiet the screams of my roommates when they see that I’ve seared off my own flesh. It’s difficult to explain the science of it, but the human voice at that decibel can dull the skin. I want bright skin!
  • Tell me if it’s foundation, concealer, BB, or CC cream.

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