WHEREVER HE WANTS, USA- In a recent interview, Founder and CEO of Amazon Jeff Bezos said he is very close to perfecting a maniacal laugh befitting someone of his wealth and power.
“All of my heroes had great laughs that defined them,” said Bezos. “I always felt so comforted basking in the laugh of the Crypt Keeper from Tales From The Crypt.” Continued Bezos, “And I loved to fall asleep listening to the giggle of the Lord of Destruction and blue humanoid Skeletor from He-Man. I’m very near to adding that kind of distinct laugh for myself.”
Bezos then highlighted the main roadblocks he is facing in creating a signature laugh. “I’m not sure if it should be a ‘hahaha’ laugh or a ‘hehehe’ laugh. Or would it be better to go with more of a ‘MUAHAHAHAAA’ laugh? These are the questions that I think about most in life.”
A scared long-time underpaid worker for Amazon admitted that when the company was just starting Bezos had a regular laugh. “Yeah, in the beginning he used to laugh normally, but don’t tell him who I am. Please! I beg you!” said the man before running away.
When asked to comment Bezos said, “Sure, once I became a millionaire and not a dirty commoner, my laugh changed. It got higher in pitch and lasted longer. Then every million and billion after that it got louder and louder and longer and longer.” Bezos then abruptly said, “Oh, I see a poor person!” and proceeded to laugh for 19 minutes straight. Finally stopping to say, “good times!”
Always a well-researched individual, Bezos spoke about physicality in his laughter. “I mean, should I just laugh, or laugh while also rapidly having my finger tips touch each other? That’s what I’ve been doing lately and I really like it. I’m also leaning towards getting a cat to sit on my lap so I can laugh while petting it. Of course, the cat will also laugh with me. I should have everything figured out soon. Then I will be complete.”
Bezos went on to say, “Another thing that started to change with the money was my hair. After the money came in the hair went out. I’m worth $148 billion, soon to be a trillionaire. Think about it. I don’t have a single hair on my entire body. Nowhere. Hardwood floors all over, baby!” When asked if he liked baldness, Bezos said, “Oh absolutely. It makes me look like another one of my heroes, the great owner of the Springfield Nuclear Power Plant, Mr. Burns. He has a very distinct laugh as well. Do you know that I started Amazon in 1993, and Mr. Burns started in 1989? Coincidence? No way.”