If your daughter invites The Boyfriend to join your family photo, don’t say something like “I don’t think that’s a good idea because we don’t know how long this one will last, and he’s wearing a Red Sox shirt.” Saying this will only make your daughter even more determined to make the relationship last, and she will become a Red Sox fan.
If The Boyfriend hasn’t read the book “How Fishing Builds Character” that you got him for Christmas, don’t take it personally and tell your daughter that you think she should “Throw this one back.” Saying this will only make her like The Boyfriend more because of his lack of interest in fishing, and also, no one will laugh at your joke.
Don’t get annoyed if your daughter is watching The Hunger Games with The Boyfriend on your T.V., and you have to go down to the basement in your own home to watch the Mets game. Getting annoyed will trigger HGS (Hunger Games Syndrome), an undocumented psychological condition I just made up that causes the daughter to watch even more Hunger Games with The Boyfriend, turn into Katniss Everdeen, and fight you to the death for the Republic of Remotes.
Don’t ask your daughter why she is spending so much time with The Boyfriend. Asking this will only make her want to spend even more time with The Boyfriend, and they will run away together to something called Coachella and get matching Mockingjay tattoos.
If your daughter runs away with The Boyfriend, don’t follow them. If you do, they will run farther away to somewhere like Alaska, change their identities, and join a Doomsday cult. There is an entire Doomsday cult in Alaska full of daughters whose boyfriends were opposed by the father.
If your daughter breaks up with The Boyfriend, don’t make a 67 slide PowerPoint presentation with charts, “Personal Opinions,” and quotes from Winston Churchill on why The Boyfriend was a loser. Doing this will only make your daughter go out and find an even bigger loser to date like the leader of the Doomsday cult or John Mayer.
Don’t compare The New Boyfriend to The Old Boyfriend, even if you like The New Boyfriend more because he’s not a Red Sox fan, and he appreciates the character-building qualities of a sport like fishing. Showing favoritism toward The New Boyfriend will only make your daughter realize how much she misses The Old Boyfriend, and she will start wearing his old Red Sox shirt around the house.
When your daughter gets back together with The Old Boyfriend, don’t call The New Boyfriend and tell him that you’re sorry things didn’t work out and ask if he still wants to go fishing with you sometime. In the words of the great philosopher who my father invented A.J. Parkinson, “If you stay friends with your daughter’s old boyfriend, it’s just weird, and your daughter will stop texting you back.”
If your daughter moves in with The Boyfriend, don’t tell her that you wish they were getting married first instead of “living in sin.” If you do, she will buy a house with The Boyfriend, stop going to church with you on Sundays, and join a Satanic cult. All Satanic cults are made up of daughters whose fathers opposed The Boyfriend.
If The Boyfriend asks to marry your daughter, the answer is always yes, even if the whole idea of a man asking for the father’s permission is an outdated custom that implies that his daughter cannot make her own choices…or so my daughter keeps telling me. Saying no will only make your daughter want to marry The Boyfriend more, and they will elope.