Bigfoot: Hello everyone, and thank you for joining us today. The president has asked me to step in as press secretary temporarily. He wants me to say that this is a briefing on mail-in voter fraud, which is something that definitely exists, and is a very real problem. I guess that’s why he asked me. As you know, most people don’t believe I exist either, but here I stand before you, proving them all wrong.
I’ll now take a few questions.
Journalist, the New York Times: Thank you… uh, Bigfoot. The fact is that mail-in ballots do not lead to any significant level of voter fraud. How does the president respond to allegations that this is an exaggerated talking point used to disenfranchise voters?
Bigfoot: Wow, we’re not messing around here, huh? No “How are you Bigfoot?” or “How does it feel to be in public for the first time, Bigfoot?” Or maybe “Hey Bigfoot, how’s your dating life going?” It’s like, hello? It’s me. BIGFOOT. You could at least pretend to be impressed. This is why I like to call the New York Times the “Fake News… York Times.” Get it? Anyway, rude.
Journalist, The Washington Post: There are wide-spread calls for mail-in voting for all states, but the president continues to call it “dangerous.” Do you not agree that what is dangerous is spreading mistruths? And also, how…are you, Bigfoot?
Bigfoot: Thank you for asking. I am well. Now listen, there were 491 cases of mail-in ballot voter fraud between the years 2000-2012. Sure, there were literally billions of votes cast in that time, but that .00000004% or less still exists. I mean, there was no evidence of me existing either! Does that mean I don’t exist? That I don’t matter? Insulting, Washington Post. Insulting!
Entertainer, Fox News: Thank you Bigfoot, for being here today and drawing attention to this important issue. We at Fox News always knew you existed because we have a policy to believe almost anything as long as there’s no evidence to support it.
Bigfoot: Well thank you for that. Was that a question, or…
Fox News: No, no, my question is: Should we start talking about whether women really ever should have gotten the right to vote? Isn’t it time to admit that their little lady brains can’t handle that kind of responsibility?
Bigfoot: We all know that women, if left to their own devices, will tend to vote democratic. This is why women must never, ever be left to their own devices. We—I mean they—need men to point them in the right direction, or the next thing you know we’ll all be having gay abortions.
Journalist, CNN: Yes, hi Bigfoot. So, the voter fraud argument and consequent voter suppression always disproportionately affects people of color, who generally vote against republicans. Trump even admitted that he didn’t want mail-in voting because he thinks it would hurt republicans. How do you respond to this?
Bigfoot: Look, the more people who are allowed to vote, the less likely a republican is to get elected. That makes it FRAUD! Also, saying voter fraud isn’t happening or isn’t a problem is like saying Planned Parenthood doesn’t perform 1.3 million abortions a day or that Hillary Clinton wasn’t running a porn ring out of a pizza shop.
CNN: They don’t, and she wasn’t.
Bigfoot: YOU don’t and YOU wasn’t!
CNN: … I asked a very straight-forward question–um, Bigfoot–and I’d appreciate the answer.
Bigfoot: I’m glad you brought up the fact that straight is the only acceptable sexuality.
CNN: I didn’t—
Bigfoot: CNN said it! Being gay is wrong.
Journalist, MSNBC: Ok, it’s obvious that you are Kellyanne Conway in a bigfoot suit.
Bigfoot: Listen, I don’t know anything about that, but I do know that I want America to stay great. That means ensuring that only the right people get to vote. Do those people happen to mostly be land-owning white men? Irrelevant! Anyway, I’m Bigfoot! I live in the forest! I eat nuts and stuff. Wild nuts.
Bigfoot: Well it looks like my time is up and I won’t be taking any more questions. Remember:
We must keep people from voting! I mean cheating! And mail-in voter fraud is a Very Real Problem, just like I, Bigfoot, am a Very Real… Thing. Ok, back to the woods I go! Because that’s where I live. Because I am Kel– Bigfoot. I am Bigfoot.
(Heard because she was still miked: “Nailed it.”)