Hi Sharks, I’m Glen, And Let’s Make Birds Super Attractive

Hi Sharks! My name is Glen. I am the Chief Executive Officer at Glen Birdseed Inc., and I hope I won’t be a birden to you all, heheh!

I’m seeking 500 thousand dollars in exchange for nine percent of my company.

What’s my product? Birdseed! Specifically, genetically modified birdseed. The birdseed is chemically altered to actually mutate the birds that eat it. Your birdseed might just be some snackies, but my birdseed is genetically modified to make those birds crazy attractive.

Yes, that is correct. These birds are going to be so hot when my birdseed is done with them.

Is there a market for this product? Good question. Let’s go through a quick demonstration. Sharks, I’d like you to imagine what an incredibly attractive, real hunk of a bird would look like. Go ahead, do it.

Based on your primal giggling, I can tell you like what you see, Kevin.

No, nothing is wrong with me. I see an opening in the market, and, rather like a strapping avian figure myself, swoop in to mark my territory.

Well, with all due respect, Barbara, I think you need to visualize the future. Close your eyes. Imagine a nice, saucy sparrow.

No, Robert, I didn’t do anything to Kevin. He’s grunting of his own accord.

Mark! That’s rather rude! I would never!

No, again, there’s nothing wrong with me! Kevin, back me up. Ayy, you know what’s up, Kev!

How exactly does it work? Well, I don’t know, Barbara, do you even want to know?

Ahh! OK, gotcha, you do want to know, awesome. OK. So the birds eat the birdseed, and then they come back really attractive. Yes, Robert, I know I already said that. I can’t tell you exactly how it works, I’m not allowed to elaborate– this heavenly process is unknowable. Don’t shoot the messenger.

Mark, you absolute monster! You want to eat the birdseed? You’re a barbarian. Give it to the birds and make ‘em hot, like God intended!

What happens if they have too much birdseed? Great question! We’re not really sure yet, but we’ve got some theories. They could just become exponentially more attractive than before, or maybe they would actually revert to their previous mediocre selves. It’s also quite possible they develop the taste for human blood. And, before you say anything, no, we are not marketing this as an overpopulation corrector.

Wow! Barbara, you’re just really letting me have it today, aren’t you?

Well, Barbara, I’ll have you know the world doesn’t need more people. What it does need is a host of hunky hummingbirds, hot as heck.

Yeah-ya, Kev. My man.

An offer?? I mean, an offer, yes.

Wow! Kev, that’s… oh, Daymond, you’re matching. Great, that’s… oh, Robert, wow, I’m… Wowwee! Bidding war for Glen!

Yes… yep… OK. Just to review, Daymond, you like the packaging, awesome, that’s awesome. Robert, you like my style, great, thank you. Kev, you want some hot birds. I couldn’t agree more.

I came in wanting someone with the same energy for my product that I have, and so, Kevin, I’m happy to accept your bird-tastic offer!

No, Mark, I’m not going to slip you some of “the good stuff.”

Ten-year update:
Due to the whole “thirst for human blood” thing, our birdseed has single-handedly caused the Hitchcock film The Birds to come true. Houston, we have a bird! 


  1. Attractive birds are now swarming through my mind. I could feel the electricity coming from Kevin’s vibes. Barbara was being rather rude tho…


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