Texas Governor Greg Abbott’s Covid-19 PowerPoint Presentation

“To state the obvious, Covid-19 is now spreading at an unacceptable rate in Texas and it must be corralled.” 

Texas Governor Greg Abbott 

<slide of cowboys rounding up cattle>

Welcome, y’all. We’ve howdied, but we haven’t shook, and that’s the way it’s gonna stay. I hope you know that I’ve been as busy as a stump-tailed bull in fly season working to improve things for our great state. 

<slide of chickens in a yard>

I’m going to give you some straight talk now that you can believe. Cuz if I say a hen dips snuff, you can look under her wing for the can. And I’m here to tell you that lickin’ this disease ain’t half as tricky as puttin’ socks on a rooster—

Yeah, you there in the back, ask your question. “Did I add to our problem by opening bars too early, blocking cities from requiring face masks, and not testing enough?” Son, you’re so contrary, you must float up-stream. Now you and me could argue about blame till we’re blue in the face. But I’m here to tell you this virus is dangerous, pure and simple, and if that ain’t a fact, God’s a possum. Now save your other questions till the end and don’t rile the wagon master.

<slide of a man playing guitar>

I was gonna tell all y’all about a musician friend of mine. Clem’s a man who could sing a gate off its hinges. But after he came down sick with coronavirus, the poor feller got as thin as a Democratic campaign budget in Fort Worth. I believed Clem would have to give up his guitar for a harp, and it was sad enough to bring a tear to a glass eye. But somehow that boy pulled through — and so can we. Sure, times are tough, but we Texans are tougher than nickel steak. And if you ever get to feelin’ a mite tender and sensitive, cheer yourself up by remembering that someone out there had to quarantine with your ex. 

<slide of the Texas and US flags> 

Now we’re on to my recommendations. Before people get riled, I ain’t saying that masks and handwashing are required. But I am suggestin’ that all y’all not tip over the outhouse while hangin’ onto your God given rights. Look, if things don’t improve, by 2035, the Lone Star state’s gonna be run by people who were homeschooled by day-drinkers. So try to observe social distancing, and let’s make this coronavirus feel as welcome as a tornado on a trail drive. And if that doesn’t make sense, well, I can explain it to you, but I can’t understand it for you.

<slide of some folks snoozing on the porch of a country ranch> 

I reckon that this here PowerPoint has been as exciting as a mashed-potato sandwich, so I’ll take questions now. 

Yeah — the peckerwood in the back?

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