A Meditation For The Bitchy

Give yourself a moment to settle into your chair in a way that makes you feel cooler than everyone else and like their posture can suck it. In this practice, we’ll be cultivating two skills that are very difficult: loving and kindness. This practice helps make you kinder to all— even to people who wear overalls non-ironically. Let’s get started.

First bring to mind a difficult person. Yes, focus on Cheryl, who used to be a friend, but not after last weekend’s girls’ brunch when her dress was the same shade of pink as your dress even though she knew you were going to wear that outfit. Now send loving kindness vibes to Cheryl even if she didn’t earn it at all. Focus on how we need clothing to house our bodies and our souls. Remember that everyone is equal, even chicks with bad bangs. Send her love, and remember to give a little extra love to those bangs, because they need it.

Now bring to mind the image of someone you care about. Hmm there’s so few people you love or can even tolerate, but find someone. Yes, focus on your beloved teacup pug, Spring Time. Don’t focus on how she sometimes yaps while you’re trying to get your beauty sleep, which is not at all feminist. Focus on how cute she looks on Instagram and how everyone makes such supportive comments, like “Your dog is hot.” Send Spring Time some love. Wish her peace at the doggy spa where you’ve placed her for an indiscriminate amount of time because you’ve been busy living yo lyfe and sexting with Cheryl’s boyfriend, Tad.

Good job! Thinking any positive thoughts about others can be a challenge, so remember to congratulate yourself for being so kind. Now for your last person, pick a stranger to send love to. Yes, focus on Chris Hemsworth because his face is symmetrical, and you’ve never met him except in one smutty dream where he pelted you with bananas (in a hot way). Do not think about how at brunch Cheryl said Chris Hemsworth isn’t as hot as you think he is. Do not ruminate on how if she was a real friend, she could have worn a color that better suited her, like burnt brown or mustard yellow.

And as the practice comes to an end pat yourself on the back because you’ve been consciously cultivating an attitude of kindness and friendliness toward others, even if they don’t really deserve it—even if they SO don’t deserve it. Even if you were the edgiest sorority pledge master your sorority has ever seen and it wasn’t your fault seven people in your sorority went into witness protection to escape the memories, and also your mom was a Jello heiress. Cheryl was lucky to be drinking rainbow flavored mimosas in the same room as you. She was lucky to ironically make out with you sophomore year as your whole Spanish class watched and ate popcorn and said, “oh la la!”

Now instead of sitting here doing NOTHING, go tell Cheryl you’ve been sexting with her boyfriend for weeks non-ironically, release Spring Time into the wild cause those yaps are really annoying and research how to get in touch with Chris Hemsworth in the cutest and most organic way possible!

Namaste, bitch.

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