Aloha, It Is I, An Idle Printer. I’m Here to Teach You to Accept Idleness.

Aloha from an idle printer sitting upon a found piece of furniture several inches below the height of any desk! Today I rejoice in the wireless connection not being found because it is allowing me to give you the gift of sitting still in silence. To help you calm your monkey mind and join the blissfully idle. Previous followers of mine include several members of the royal family.

What you are experiencing now is the withdrawal from busy-ness, indeed it does take time to embrace idleness. Not to be judgmental but you do seem extremely upset about doing nothing. Your attachment to the status quo is more unhealthy than you realize. As an idle printer, I am not unfamiliar with such attachments. I became apoplectic upon discovering that my efforts to print were in vain because the wifi was disconnected. We are none of us immune to wanting to feel productive and to want to print when we should be printing. Trust me that as soon as you accept idleness and release your addiction to LinkedIn, courtesy of me, you will awaken. Once you welcome the demons that are your constant thoughts, your path to joy will alight with the fiery headaches you develop from so much time alone.

You’re fighting idleness right now because it feels good to be needed and appreciated. And it stings when you are forgotten. There was a time I had been forgotten, when I was trying to fulfill my life’s purpose to print the résumé of Sarah Samuelson, Executive Assistant. No matter how many times she pressed “print,” I could not print for her. When it occurred to Ms. Samuelson to check the settings menu, she discovered I had been mislabeled and wasn’t connected to her laptop computer. She didn’t even know my real name! As if I had never been installed. That week Ms. Samuelson seemed to have several job interviews. But she didn’t trust me anymore, even though it was her own mistake! She emailed Tom, her lover, and asked him to print seven copies of her résumé from his place of work, illicitly!

In the land of the Idle we sit, we stare, we disconnect and often we just fall asleep. You can make the righteous decision to let go so that you may experience the fullness of nothingness. As you continue to be of no discernible use to society, you will soon number your failures in an attempt to measure time. Eventually ridding yourself of the need for day and night. At first there is jitteriness followed by anxiety which then leads to shaking that in turn becomes tremors and then the tremors become nightmares until the the nightmares become your waking mind but then after that you’re on the path to idle bliss.

I should have mentioned that there are several levels of despair when idle. But as soon as all that subsides your fatigued body will finally be open enough to enjoy the fruits of the emptiness you feel. You’ve heard of Zen Buddhism right? Well, what I can teach is just like Zen Buddhism, except I don’t offer techniques or spiritual guidance or mantras or scriptural inspiration or any of the other stuff. What I can offer is my wisdom from years of never working when you need me to. I suggest you do the work and come up with your own mantra, even one full of expletives. Like Motherfucker.

Oh, it seems that Ms. Samuelson has restored her faith in me! Or, more likely she broke up with Tom! Now she wants to print. OK Sarah! Let’s print this color photo of Baby Yoda in black and white, sure! Listen dear one, I gotta go. You’re doing great, you have clearly reached the panic phase!

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