Daily Itinerary Of A New Vegan

6:00 a.m.: Wake up feeling refreshed! Wait, I do feel refreshed, right? I haven’t woken up refreshed in so long I kind of forgot what it feels like.

6:15 a.m.: Rev up the blender. Time to toss in all the veggies in the fridge to make my green energy smoothie. A milkshake is basically a smoothie, right? No, I made a commitment here. Kale and ice it is!

6:30 a.m.: Enjoy what all the vegan bloggers delicately refer to as “bathroom changes.”

7:00 a.m.: Head out to work. Listen to vegan podcaster in the car on the way. Turns out there’s really only so much you can say about veganism. Just keep eating vegetables seems to be the main theme.

7:30 a.m.: Head to break room for coffee and quick ten minutes of silently judging co-workers’ breakfasts.

7:40 a.m.: Pull out my vegan breakfast burrito to heat up in microwave. Pause for 45 seconds to make sure someone comes into the break room to see my burrito.

7:43 a.m.: Overtly sneer at donuts on the counter.

7:44 a.m.: Eat half a donut when Gwen leaves the break room.

8:00 a.m.: Seize golden opportunity during staff meeting when asked, “anyone have anything new before we dive in?” to say “Oh just a brand-new lifestyle that has changed the way I live, eat, breathe and sleep!” Strangely, no follow-up questions. Weird.

10:01 a.m.: Time for my vegan mid-morning snack! Apples and celery with almond butter. Wow, lots of chewing with this new lifestyle. Lots and lots and lots of chewing.

11:00 a.m.: Finally, lunch time! Head back to the break room and try to help Sandy understand the importance of massaging kale before adding it to your salad. Sandy turns back to her baked spaghetti Smart Ones a little hastily. Kind of rude, Sandy.

2:30 p.m.: Celebration in conference room C for Simon’s birthday, with cupcakes and ice cream. YES. Another golden opportunity to share the joy of my new lifestyle. Hold up, turns out they’re vegan cupcakes. Simon’s a vegan? How could I not know this? He never talks about it. I’ve never ever, not once, seen him with a vegetable in the break room. And I mean his skin is fine, but not what I’d call ‘glowing.’ This is a head-scratcher.

7:30 p.m.: Dinner with the girls. FINALLY. Here we go! I am so excited, imagining how impressed they’re going to be with my new lifestyle. I’m already picturing it now, me telling them about all my extra energy, how much better my skin looks, how once you get into it you actually crave vegetables, although off the record I’m not quite there yet, but I’m sure I will be any day now. I mean french fries, sure. But I’m not really jonesing for cauliflower. Yet.

7:45 p.m.: Everyone’s here, we’ve ordered drinks, and Jen mentions how shiny my hair looks, THIS IS IT PEOPLE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL. THIS IS MY OPENING, STAND BACK BECAUSE MINDS ARE ABOUT TO BE BLOWN.

7:48 p.m.: Portia announces she and Ted are getting divorced. DAMN IT PORTIA!!! HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME!!! Ugh, I cannot believe this! They couldn’t hang in there for one more week after all these years??? Why do bad things always happen to me. This SUCKS.

7:49 – 9:00 p.m.: Endless talk about growing apart, wanting different things, suspected cheating, blah blah blah. Thank God gin is vegan.

9:15 p.m.: Time to head home. Maybe I was a little harsh on Portia. I mean, Ted was kind of a jerk. And definitely short-tempered. He could use a little sustained energy instead of all those blood-sugar spikes triggered by his non-vegan diet. Probably would have helped their marriage. Note to self: drop a vegan chocolate cake off at Portia’s tomorrow. It feels good being more compassionate. So good. I mean, I am killing it today. Empathizing with Portia, not eating animals, tipping my manicurist that extra fifteen percent. I deserve a little treat. Does Taco Bell have a vegan menu? I don’t know what’s in that cheese, but it’s definitely not dairy. Taco Bell it is! Tomorrow is another day. Another day, another sweet potato. So rewarding!!! 

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